Fierce Ties

In our book Refrigerator Rights Glenn Sparks and I make the case that America’s current social isolation and its lethal consequences are a direct result of two significant social forces: moving and media. Over the decades our regular relocation away from established relationships is an American norm. But the failure to reconnect in our new location is deepening our loneliness and continues to be a dangerous trend. Moving, when it is combined with the distractions and intrusion of media in all its forms, interrupts the process of creating necessary new connections. It is a well established that health outcomes, especially around mental health, suicides and early death are attributable to isolation and loneliness. The Surgeon General of the United States issued this very warning in recent months. But even for those who don’t fall into the dangerous space of utter social isolation, millions of us attach to others where we are welcomed. But what are we joining? We follow our urge to attach somewhere and somehow. We seek connections in available gatherings. Maybe it’s a faith community, service activity or a health activity. But many are connecting with ideological groups and networks. We are all aware of the divisions that have separated people along social and political identities. Glenn and I have referred to these as ‘fierce Ties’. They draw in isolated individuals to belong and to connect with zeal. Yet sometimes the comfort felt by this tribal belonging is not accompanied by the critical thinking or the nature of the attachments. Losing yourself in the ‘joy’ of belonging to a new welcoming group feels life saving. But what is this group? America is being roiled and families split because of the unforgiving attachments many have grasped that reject any outside the group. But when this outside group is your family or other traditional past relationships, it’s time to pull back and assess the cost of your new attachments. American families have been split and even destroyed by ideologies and the lure of charismatic leaders. Now lest you think you can discern my own ideological preference in this national crisis, no. These rigid attachments reveal the blindness on all sides. Have you written off and rejected people you love because they reject you or your new tribe? How do we reverse this national crisis? We are losing our national cohesion and there is not a lot of felt love in this emotional cauldron. What and who have you lost in your life? Has the new belonging that you gained worth the price? Has it been worth the loses? We need to stop and take a step back.