Let’s forgive each other… (you go first!)

I have been thinking quite a bit lately about forgiveness. Forgiving those who offend us is not a widely practiced habit or seemingly even highly valued these days. Among our close relationships there is usually pressure to reconcile and preserve the connection. But this is generally not the case among strangers. We are offended by others as a matter of routine. There are prevalent attitudes, alliances and opinions that regularly arouse irritation. This has always been true with people. But due to our current pathological and dangerous social isolation, animosity is rampant in America today. I suspect the idea of forgiving those ‘alien’ others is not even considered. They are written off as, pick your term: stupid, elitist, ignorant, snobs. In a word it’s ‘them’ or those ‘others’.

OK, maybe I’ll Go First

Yet tolerance and willingness to forgive of others is a foundational principle of all societies and belief systems, let alone our democracy. It is an essential command of every major world religion and even an underlying premise of our American democracy. When we are offended or harmed we trust the ‘system’ to make it right. Vengeance is out of bounds in society. Tolerating others is difficult, of course, and contrary to our base instincts. We want justice now! So if ever there was a time to reflect on the crisis of incivility in American life, it is now! But this entails changing ourselves, not ‘them’. It means taming our own impulses for reaction. When offended in any form the next moment is ours. And this takes discipline and practice to change the way we habitually react. Psychologist Vito Frankl described it best as ‘staying in the space’ between an impulse and our reaction. It is a fundamental secret to brain change and demands practice. If I learn to stay in the ‘space’ BEFORE I react, I change my life! And this is the organic human secret for defusing hostility, at least on one side. And that side is mine! That’s the secret to forgiving.