Thursday, Lafayette, Indiana

I’ve been practicing counseling and psychotherapy for 20 years. And despite my busy schedule and travel I continue to see people seeking help. On several occasions I have been asked if I ever feel burned out listening to the problems of others. In fact, one reader sent me a note sometime ago that said the following:

Dear Dr. Will
I admire your work and dedication to healing troubled people. I was wondering, are there ever cases where you throw in the towel? Are there some patents who are so screwed up that you admit they cannot be helped? Does a therapist ever give up? If so, then what?
Sincerely,
Leonard, Chicago, Illinois

Dear Leonard,
Thanks for the inquiry and it is a good question. Although you did not mention this in your letter I was wondering if this applied to anyone you know personally? The fact is there is always progress that can be made with a person, assuming they keep coming back to meet with their therapist. Certainly there are individuals who are so unbalanced and resistant to counsel that their progress is painfully slow. Some people are unable to progress because they have personality problems. Others stay stuck because they have organic mental problems. Still others are constantly confronted by bad circumstances that keep them down. All we can do is encourage them to keep trying - keep pushing - don’t give up!

Self-defeating: You show up at a formal wedding wearing gray sweatpants
Life-defeated: On your way to a wedding your car suddenly catches fire

Self-defeating: At an important work gathering you loudly mock the religion of the company’s top client
Life-defeated: Immediately after leaving a prayer meeting you are mugged

Self-defeating: When introduced to a vision impaired person you comedically mug to get laughs from others
Life-defeated: After leaving a hearing test at your doctor’s office you are struck by an object and blinded

Self-defeating: After a bad call at your young son’s soccer game you run on the field and assault the referee
Life-defeated: You reluctantly volunteer to referee a school soccer game and are assaulted by a deranged parent

Self-defeating: Despite complaints from neighbors you keep a rank smelling compost pile in your front yard
Life-defeated: An hour before hosting a big party the sewer backs up into your living room

Self-defeating: You always answer your cell phone in the movie theater
Life-defeated: Because you politely turned off your cell phone during a movie you miss a radio station promotion awarding you two million dollars

Self-defeating: You keep untrained pit bulls loose in your poorly fenced yard
Life-defeated: While running away from a vicious dog you accidently run into a car and are successfully sued by both the car owner and the dog’s owner

Self-defeating: At the office Christmas party you make romantic overtures to your boss’ underage daughter
Life-defeated: You are inadvertently hit by a flying glass meant for someone else and you lose an eye

Self-defeating: You have not mowed your grass in seven months
Life-defeated: While wandering through tall grass your dog is attacked by a nesting wild animal

Self-defeating: At the supermarket checkout line you create a diversion and cut to the front of the line
Life-defeated: The line at the supermarket is so long that your milk spoils and you become violently ill and are hospitalized

Wednesday, Lafayette, Indiana

Southern California was rocked by a midday earthquake that was pretty significant. It measured 5.8 on the Richter scale (although I really don’t know what this means). I do know, however, that anything around or above 6 is bad.

From the reports so far it doesn’t seem that there was a great deal of damage and I saw no reports of injuries or death. Nonetheless the scariest part of an earthquake is that when you begin to feel it you really have no idea how bad it’s going to be. And in Califormia everyone is aware of the opinion of the experts that "The Big One," as it is called, is inevitable. Oh that’s great!

When Sally and I lived in Los Angeles, the first time we felt the tremor we were in a bookstore. As everything started to shake, I thought for a moment that a vehicle had hit the building. I asked out loud, “what’s that?” A guy standing nearby, obviously a native, said condescendingly, “it’s an earthquake.” At least he didn’t add, out loud anyway, the word “you moron.” And I did feel dumb, because it was my first experience.

What’s unique about an earthquake is that it’s a natural disaster with absolutely no warning. Here in the Midwest we often experience very severe weather, including tornadoes. And although tornadoes give very little warning, everyone is at least aware of their potential given the horrendous storm clouds gathering out your front door.

And so it is an East Coast and the South when hurricanes come roaring toward the coast. You may not be able to do much about them, but you know they’re coming. And in addition you have a fair chance of ascertaining how severe they are going to be in your town to board up or get out of Dodge.

But not so with earthquakes.

Aside from the obvious, that natural disasters that come without warning, like earthquakes, can ruin your day, destroy your property and even take your life, it has this completely unnerving quality of unpredictability. And while earthquakes might well have occurred a century ago in California, the lay of the land was such that damage to personal property was clearly less catastrophic than we experience today. But the joy of living in beautiful California is tempered by that little voice that makes you shudder: maybe this is the day: The Big One!

Tuesday, Lafayette, Indiana

It was 140 years ago today that the 14th Amendment to the Constitution was made into law. Along with the thirteenth and fifteenth amendments, this most famous constitutional provision came about in the aftermath of the Civil War designed to rectify the scourge of slavery. It required every state to guarantee equal protection to everyone regardless of their race or other bases for arbitrary discrimination “under the law.” And although it would take almost a full century to be fully implemented, it did finally put teeth into the effort to rid the legal system of openly racist practices.

Now many question how effective we have been as a government and society in actually overcoming the immorality of racial prejudice. Fair enough. But there is no question that the system is more effective in redressing the wrongs done to people of color than they were just a few decades ago. But listening to the testimony of black and Hispanic people, it is obvious that they are often still the target of the ignorance of racial hatred.

And of course this is an embarrassment about our society that too many people seem to be unable to distinguish between people of good will, regardless of their color and those who assault society. I have very little patience for those who cannot distinguish between an engaged citizen, who happens to be a person of color, and the antisocial morons who chronically make life difficult for all of the people around them, who occupy an inordinate amount of attention from the police. White or black, I have little tolerance for the antisocial.

But I also have lost patience with those who seem to be so ignorant that they cannot distinguish between antisocial personalities, white or not white, and those who are engaged citizens. As we approach this year’s presidential election, if you cannot distinguish between that character of people like Colin Powell,Michael Jordan, Condoleezza Rice or Barack Obama and your stereotyped image of a criminal, urban gang banger who happens to share their skin color, in my opinion, you are too dumb to vote. And it is in fact ignoramuses such as these that give rise to the need for a 14th Amendment in the first place.

God save us from the stupid.

Monday, Lafayette, Indiana

It was sixty-eight years ago today an American icon was born. Legendary toon Bugs Bunny began what was to become a five decade run that would forever read rewrite the image we have of “cute little bunny rabbits.”

Bugs Bunny, a chain Carrot chewer, was intelligent and wily, and set the standard for a variety of other Looney Tunes cartoon characters. In fact, he was named by TV Guide is the greatest cartoon character ever.

Bugs, but tough character replete with a Brooklyn accent, was no innocent little creature. In virtually every episode he appeared in, Bugs Bunny outwitted everyone who tried to make a meal out of him. But he was no scared little rabbit come he prevailed with a calm and the cocky attitude that infuriated all of his hunters. In particular, Bugs drove Elmer Fudd, the inept hunter with a speech impediment, virtually insane. In virtually every adventure, Bugs would be seen standing over the frustrated Fudd, chewing a carrot of course and offering a line that made him famous: “what’s up Doc?”

Every artistic expression reveals something of the unconscious imagination of the creator. Whenever we see a painting, a written character or a television detection, even a silly cartoon, we are getting a glimpse into the psyche of the individual who brought it to life. And if we stop and reflect upon the images and themes in the expression, we frequently can find themes that resonate with our own life as well. In television and film, whether the theme is deep and ominous or silly and even inane, we get a glimpse into the mind of the person behind the image.

And Bugs Bunny represents a fantasy of an innocent, vulnerable creature who uses his wits to overcome a superior threat. Elmer Fudd, the superior creature armed with a gun, is overcome by the little hare with a sharper imagination. And isn’t this a fantasy that resonates for us as well? For the majority of us who do not feel powerful in the face of superior aggressive force, we can imagine ourselves overcoming the threat with our wits. And, most importantly, like Bugs Bunny we do so with cool calm, munching on a snack and asking sarcastically,

"Ah, what’s up Doc?”

Friday, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

With the exception of a few mopping up visits to France and England, Barack Obama’s excellent adventure in Europe is about over. And this can’t come soon enough for the John McCain campaign, relegated to eating sausages and German restaurants and talking about the price of groceries in the catchup while in a supermarket. While McCain draws flies, Obama draws 200,000 curious Germans to hear him speak in Berlin. While the McCain campaign arranges events that have the feel of a professor at a local book signing for a scholarly book, Barack Obama stars in his one-man show that feels like a U2 concert.

I have no idea how this election will turn out in November. However, if psychology and chemistry are any indicators, I have a feeling it is going to be a Obama tsunami. In my lifetime I have never seen a reaction like this to a politician since John & Robert Kennedy. And it certainly seems clear that his charisma is being felt around the globe.

And really, why not? Aside from any, albeit legitimate concern about preparedness, competency or judgment, to millions around the world it is especially stunning that America might be on the verge of electing an African-American as president. Because as much as we here like to avoid the subject, our reputation around the world includes distain for our shameful history of racial animus. On the heels of an administration that has been among our most conservative, it certainly seems an unexpected eventuality that a person of color might prevail against a woman and a traditional white male.

We really should not be surprised at the surge of Barack Obama. After six years of an unpopular war, and deep anxiety about the economy and frustration with the inertia of the government to respond to needed changes, any American leader exuding optimism and energy is going to get a national and global hearing.

And this is the genius of the Barack Obama campaign. He is as much a symbol as he is an real individual. Whether or not we will prosper under his leadership, it is undeniable that Barack Obama feels good. And we shouldn’t be surprised that so many are turning toward someone making us feel good.

If John McCain has a chance to prevail in November, it would behoove him to shake off the aura of pessimism and somber tones. He would do better being more Ronald Reagan and less Jimmy Carter.

Whichever candidate prevails there will have an opportunity to turn a page.

Because from where I sit I believe we are sick and tired…
of being sick and tired.

Thursday, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

I have been seeing several commercials featuring the legendary Texas oil baron, T. Boone Pickens making his pitch for a dramatic investment in wind and solar power to help alleviate the energy crisis battering every segment of American society. According to Pickens’ plan, by ratcheting up wind power to meet out electricity needs, we will have enough leftover natural gas to fuel our cars.

It is inspiring to see a person of great influence and power step up to solve a problem without resorting to partisan rancor. As Pickens himself says, “it’s our crisis, and we can solve it.” 

Hey, unless there’s something I’m missing here, sign me up.

And of course I recognize that there is financial self-interest involved here for this man. He’s investing huge amounts of his money to build a gigantic wind farm in a rural part of Texas. And I’m sure he expects to make a lot of profit from this. Well, bully for him. This doesn’t bother me lick.

I mean if we don’t encourage wealthy entrepreneurs to dig in and get involved in the energy crisis, who is going to do it? Do we really think it will be the government? I don’t think so. The insidious partisanship in Congress prevents almost every meaningful reform. Shackled as they are to the influence of lobbyists and special interests, there’s just no way I believe the government knows how to solve the problem.

So here comes T. Boone Pickens, who says straight out, “I’ve been an oilman all my life.”  From where I sit if he’s the kind of guy who can become a billionaire in oil, he’s probably the kind of guy who can become a billionaire in wind. And if Pickens becomes a billionaire in wind, it means that we are probably going to be less dependent on the psychotic Middle East for our energy.

Have at it T. Boone!

Wednesday, New York, New York

Several recent studies have offered evidence of what we all suspect: Americans are increasingly lonely. The research has documented that most Americans cannot name more then one person who they consider to be a close friend. The trend has been steady for a few decades that we are increasingly individualistic and detached. The vast majority of us have nothing close to an adequate social support network.

Americans rely principally on their romantic relationship for virtually all our emotional sustenance, consequently over taxing and exhausting our marriages and intimate family life. The fact is that we need a wider collection of friendships and confidants that see us behind our guarded exterior. Many of us have friends, but too many of us are not adequately connected to enough of these casual acquaintances to give us what we need.

At a time when so much public attention is paid to self help strategies promising to make us feel better, we are missing the more reliable fix available to us. Instead of spending so much time, energy and even money trying to alter ourselves internally, I suggest that more people focus on changing their external realities. Bringing more relationships into our daily lives will do as much or more in the long run as all of the other short term self fixes that we try.

- The right shaft of your toaster has never been used

- You work from home on the Internet and have no professional colleagues

- No room in your house has an outside view

- When you passed out in your home no one noticed you were gone for three days

Tuesday, Ridgewood, New Jersey

It was 39 years ago this week that Neil Armstrong (proud graduate of Purdue University!) jumped down off the last ladder step of his space craft and walked on the moon! Even today, in the midst of our breath taking technological revolution, this is an astonishing feat.

Blown out of the earth’s atmosphere in an untested rocket ship, three men: Neil Armstong, Buzz Aldren and Michael Collins, traveled to the cheese ball and after circling for a day, sent down a tin can with Armstong and Aldren inside to let them take a stroll.

The event and extraordinary achievement stunned the world and gripped the nation watching it all live on television! I was a sophomore in college at the time and spending that summer working for the Brooklyn Union Gas company digging up streets to get to leaking pipes. I was doing grunt work and feeling unfocused in school. But that night, I sat in our small den and my head almost exploded with what I was seeing on the screen!

How do human beings figure out such things, build such things that can do such things? It gripped me and, in a way, overwhelmed me. It revealed the chasm between my my self confidence and the accomplishments of these individuals. I was awestruck and, quite deeply humbled about my own aptitude. And while I still have no idea how these geniuses did such things four decades ago, I have come to a place where I can applaud their gifts even as I am thankful for my own, different gifts.

I hope you have found the balance between celebration of the gifts of others and gratitude for the ones you have yourself.

Monday, Hershey, Pennsylvania

The impact of the nation’s economic slow down are felt everywhere. From the obvious pressures of gas prices and the mortgage crisis, virtually every business is feeling the pinch. And this month even Starbucks has announced that it is closing 600 stores around the country! I didn’t see that coming.

Starbucks coffees are a daily staple for millions of Americans. Has consumption dropped so precipitously that this many stores have tanked!? What are the devoted Starbuckians doing to satisfy their coffee fix if they have opted out of their costly ritual? Does this mean that many have returned to their former humble haunts like Dunkin’ Donuts or - shut my mouth - gas station java? Talk about a painful adjustment! The radiating effects of such a change will be felt in every corner of the sacrificer’s life.

It is likely that many Starbucks aficionados, now denied their daily cup of venti soy hazelnut vanilla cinnamon white mocha with extra caramel, will suffer significant emotional and physical withdrawal symptoms. The slide down the java ladder to cheap consumer coffee is sure to alter their sleep habits and gastrointestinal routines. And these disturbances are sure to have a further impact on their mood. Their families and co-workers will feel the mounting frustration and irritation caused by their soy loss. Relationship balances will be unhinged and profit margins squeezed! The Starbucks crisis will have a domino effect that can lead to social chaos and global ruination.

Oh the humanity!

Restlessness - Sitting down has become so uncomfortable that you change careers to one where you can stand all the time, e.g., toll collector

Nervousness - Small, insignificant noises cause you to experience intense anxiety, e.g., opening a paper grocery bag

Excitement - Your voice volume has become so elevated that people lean backward when listening to you

Insomnia - Even though you have excellent hygiene, you find that you only need to launder your bedding twice a year

Flushed Face - You no longer need makeup & several friends have inquired about your drinking

Diuresis - You must carry a glass jar with you at all times

Gastrointestinal Disturbance - Your pets no longer desire to sit near you in the evening

Muscle Twitching - Even though you feel you are sitting still, others constantly assume that you are motioning to them

Rambling Flow of Thought & Speech - Your computer speech recognition program consistently crashes

Tachycardia or Cardiac Arrhythmia - Your normal heartbeat is now visible to others through your clothing

Periods of Inexhaustibility - You regularly complete your annual work goals before February 15th

Psychomotor Agitation - You are never, not cracking your knuckles

Friday, Lafayette, Indiana

A newly released study confirms previous research, but offers an interesting surprise. Professors Troy Blanchard of Louisiana State University and John Bartkowski of University of Texas led a research team that studied communities with large churches which are actively involved with the local people. And the findings showed that the people lived longer.

While there have been other studies that have made the association between church attendance and longer life, one curious aspect of this research demonstrated that the kind of churches involved made a difference. Specifically, it pointed to congregations that have strong community outreach in the local neighborhood made a more significant difference than those churches that were insulated and disengaged from the surrounding community.

As the authors pointed out, the strongest effect on longevity was with "… churches (that) have what’s known as a ‘worldly perspective.’ (rather than those) “solely focusing on the afterlife.”  Congregations that emphasize connection and engagement have a more significant, positive impact on their community than those that isolate and separate their members from the immediate world around them.

Dr. Glenn Sparks and I see this study as yet another ion a long line of social science research that supports the thesis of Refrigerator Rights. This research affirms yet again the positive outcomes on health and quality of life when people find ways to attach, engage and foster relationships with those around them, beyond their immediate family. Social isolation in any form leads to a host of personal problems, both emotional and physical. We have long believed that the triage for our highly stressed culture is connection to more people around us.

- Worship is held Tuesday nights beginning at one o’clock in the morning

- Members can only travel in groups of fifteen at all times

- The building has no windows

- To avoid mingling with non members, the church maintains its own grocery store

- All writing implements must be surrendered upon entering for the service

- Every member is required to wear long robes with hoods

- All member children go to school inside the building

- Members must submit a names and phone numbers of every neighbor that doesn’t belong to the congregation

- The church has an unlisted phone number

- The pastor and family live in the basement of the church building