Thursday, West Lafayette, Indiana

Dr. Gunnar Ollsen is a senior research fellow at the Teletherapy Institute in Fowler, Indiana. He was born in Holland and emigrated to the U.S. as a teenager. He became addicted to television, typically devoting over one hundred hours each week to watching. Sent by his parents to counseling, he then developed a reaction formation and became committed to spreading the idea that television is destroying American civilization. He now devotes his life to the science of Teletherapy - the study of hidden meanings in television programs. He sent the following to me:

(CAUTION: Some of the writing below shows signs of incoherent rambling and may indicate a decompensation or even a psychotic break on the part of Dr. Ollsen. Pick out only what is helpful for you)

Dr. Will,

As you know I am often the victim of stalking. These are crazed fans desperate to learn from me how to find healing through television. In one recent encounter at a local food store an individual (let’s call her Phyllis Dirkson of Panama City, Florida) assaulted me with bag of croutons rolled up in her fist.

As I lay there twitching on the floor of the bread aisle, she said to me, “clearly I am disturbed. My question is, did television do this to me?”  I asked her to sit next to me on the floor and said I would offer my insight. Before long there were a dozen other shoppers sitting around me as I lectured. Here are my insights:

The question before us is, "has Your TV Viewing Made You Psychotic?"

As we begin our study of the special problems associated with extreme craziness, perhaps you are not sure if you or someone you know might be cracked. Take this quick test to assess your sanity. (Remember, answering yes is not good news, but lying will not help you. In fact, if you lie by answering any of these questions “no,” this means you are probably a pathological liar, and this can be as problematic as psychosis.)

1. While watching television, do your thoughts wander to topics completely unrelated to the content of the program? (For instance, while watching “Law & Order” you begin reflecting on origami, even though you have no history of contact with the art of paper folding)

2. Have you ever heard messages relating to the government coming through your television set during talk show? Were they encrypted, and, if so, were you able to understand the code? Have you made a call to the authorities reporting these messages?

3. Have you ever gone on a trip using plastic trash bags as luggage? Have you ever made a rain suit from a plastic trash bag? If so, have you ever saved it for reuse at another time? Do you believe this is what Wolf Blitzer would want you to do?

4. Have you ever torn the “Do not remove” tag from a mattress and lost sleep or appetite, or experienced any other anxiety related digestive symptoms concerning your probable arrest?

5. Do you pay close attention to the dialogue on crime dramas listening for references to yourself or members of your family?

The Chaos Inside

For those readers who have not yet been in therapy, and who have never become familiar with the basics of psychology, I must share a painful truth with you. As a human being, I know that you have been plagued by periodic doubts about your sanity. You have certainly had those nagging suspicions that there might be something seriously wrong with you. I can now confirm that your suspicions are correct. There is something wrong with you. But there is also something wrong with each one of us. We are ALL filled with the capacity for comprehensive derangement.

Why? Because buried inside each of us is a reservoir of unformed, unprocessed impulses, fantasies, and habits which are untamed and always pressing to get out. And there are no exceptions. Think about the most saintly individual imaginable; think about the Dalai Lama. This may stun you, but even Dalai has this smoldering cauldron of intense feelings which could potentially drive him to acts too horrible to contemplate.

Bring the picture of Dalai to mind as he helps a poor suffering innocent understand the meaning of life and the way to happiness. This is the holy path he chose, and the world is humbled and gratified. But as a human being he holds the potential to crack and take a decidedly different direction in his life. Should he ever cave in and surrender to his baser instincts, we would be introduced to another side of this saintly individual.

Try to picture him as an ordinary man, say as “Barry Lama.” Instead of the spiritual icon he us now, you see an unbalanced, antisocial elderly man who has a penchant for spitting and back-handing rude cab drivers.

Sound impossible? The truth is, this is a possible reality. If you don’t believe me, ask Dalai yourself. He’ll be the first to tell you he is a fallible, human “sinner.”

So perhaps you should get off your high horse and recognize that you are inches away from full blown loopiness. A carefully prescribed regimen of therapeutic television watching is your only hope.

Don’t blow it!

Have an awesome day!

Gunnar

Thursday, Lafayette, Indiana

Every Mental Health professional knows that during the holidays each year there is a spike in the number of individuals suffering from depression and anxiety. This phenomenon is generally attributed to the stress that attends this time of year. Whether it’s worries about money, anxiety about family travel or simply disappointment about unfulfilled dreams, millions find themselves emotionally overwhelmed.

What about you?

Is the pressure of living getting to you? And of so, what do you do about it? Professionals recommend a combination of talk therapy and medication if advisable. When you reflect on this advice, it tells us that if having access to a strong support system of family and friends is more than simply a luxury. Close friends are therapeutic and a reliable defense against the tendency for depression and anxiety when under abnormal pressure.

This is the essential message of our book Refrigerator Rights. Read it and you will be convinced that a lifestyle of individuality, independence and isolation is the exact formula for becoming depressed.

Special Guest Column
Dr. Florence Evengale: Haughty Therapist

Dr. Evengale was a student of Dr. Will’s who graduated despite suffering from a narcissistic personality disorder. In her final evaluation she was described as "brilliant yet aloof, egotistical and unconcerned about the suffering of her patients."
Nonetheless, her diagnostic abilities are considered outstanding. I would not recommend that she treat anyone, but she is an excellent freelance diagnostic consultant.
Here is her offering about stress:

How can you tell if you are an unbalanced person? In general when you find that your reactions are at odds with most of the people around you. If so, there are only two possibilities:

First, you might be, as it is in my case a remarkable individual who has no peers; or

Second, You are indeed out of sync with the norms of behavior and are at least unbalanced.

For example, do you find some things funny when others do not? Or, do you feel sad when those around you are laughing? If your answers are affirmative perhaps you are questioning your own stability. It could be that you are experiencing high levels of stress. Take the following quiz in order to discover what might be wrong with you.

1. When I enter a room full of family or friends, conversation stops. Y/N

2. I sometimes become hyper-focused on a small object (e.g., an insect or the pattern on someone’s tie) and lose track of what I had been doing. Y/N

3. Routine errands to the store cause me to fear for my life. Y/N

4. While watching television, I sometimes talk back to the screen. Y/N

5. In order to remain calm, I often have to breathe into a paper bag. Y/N

6. Bathing has become exhausting. Y/N

7. When sitting alone in a room, I find myself staring blankly with my mouth hanging wide open. Y/N

8. Without any prior experience or preparation, I have begun a dangerous new hobby (bungee jumping, e.g.). Y/N

9. At least once each week, I spend one hour hiding under a piece of furniture in my home. Y/N

10. In spite of my awareness about the negative consequences, I am consistently, physically attracted to individuals with whom I have little or nothing in common. Y/N

11. I routinely make calls to Homeland Security reporting on the activities of my neighbors. Y/N

12. I routinely make calls to Homeland Security reporting on the activities of my spouse. Y/N

13. I have developed psychic abilities Y/N

14. I completely understand the meaning of my dog’s barking as if it is human speech Y/N

15. My clothing is perpetually camp from perspiration. Y/N

0-5 You are in excellent shape! There are few indications of serious stress in your life. If, in spite of this low score, you still feel that you are seriously stressed, the problem may be unconscious. Speaking with a trained psychotherapist about your past life experiences may help you unlock the key to your distorted sense of reality.

6-10 You are experiencing moderate stress. Obviously enough symptoms are present to warrant your attention. Try a new regimen of physical and deep breathing exercises, and consider seeking the help of a trained metal health professional about strategies for relaxing, recouping energy, and regaining perspective.

11-15 You are very stressed out! You are near the edge if not the ledge. CALM DOWN! You will be fine. But it is imperative that you regain your composure and reconnect with other people to regroup and reassert your boundaries. You should schedule an appointment with your physician and also a trained mental health professional. There are excellent treatments available and you can feel better in before you know it.

Thursday, Boston, Massachusetts

Hey Dr. Will,

As you are aware, I always know before anyone else when a celebrity passes over to the other side. It’s a feeling that comes upon me without warning, often at inconvenient times and in strange places. And so it was yesterday afternoon as I sat getting a manicure at Cuticle Corner when suddenly, Lu, my nail technician went into a shuddering trance. I asked what was wrong and she suddenly stepped away into the middle of the salon. She grabbed a hairbrush and broke into the song Proud Mary. As we all stared in amazement, she then began to make violent beating motions in the air.

And then she froze and her whole face changed. Turning to me she spoke in a deep voice that I instantly recognized. She was channeling none other than Ike Turner! I realized right away - even before the media announcement - that Ike had gone over into the Kingdom. Using Lu’s little body as a vehicle, here is what Ike said:

“Madame Petite, you are looking fine, girl! You’re a little mouthy but, hey that’s how you roll and it’s all cool! Yeah, baby, I’m on the other side and it is a fine time. But I gotta admit I had a rough orientation. I had to atone for my ways on earth. The first person I see is none other than Marvin - you know, as in Marvin Gaye! He comes right up to me smiling and then wham! He slaps me silly. Then he says, ‘welcome, Ike. You have got some explaining to do.” Then he disappeared.

Next thing you know, I am on a huge stage in front of thousands. Wow! Just like I dreamed…except…wait a minute! I realized that I was not playing guitar behind Tina. No, I’m out front singing lead. And behind me are these three fine ladies playing in the band. And one of them looks exactly like Tina herself! She’s glaring at me and I could yell in an instant that she was gonna deliver me a beat down after the show. It was terrifying!

Suddenly everything froze and I heard the voice of the almighty boom out: ‘Ike my son, Time to sing a new song!’ I broke down and cried like a baby. In fact I wrote my first song over here. I call it “Ike’s Almighty New Song.” I’ll sing it to you in your dreams tonight, sugar.”

And with that, the episode was finished and Lu came back to herself. Everyone in the salon applauded and Lu is talking about quitting her job and becoming a full time channeler. Yeah, good luck with that, girlfriend! I didn’t have the heart to tell her that she was just used as a tool to benefit my work. Ike used her to speak to me. But hey, she’ll learn soon enough.

That’s it for now. I’m off on a long bus trip to Erie, Pennsylvania (you can’t beat the bus for meeting interesting people). I will be attending the fifth annual marketing conference for paranormal professionals (the closing night awards dinner is always a great time!)

Ciao for Now,

M.P.

Wednesday, Lafayette, Indiana

Jake Inkman has been a freelance journalist for 30 years. He was treated by Dr. Will for 8 years for depression which before long spun out of control into an anxiety disorder. He lives in a Motor Home and reports to major news organizations. Although he has not yet been formally published he claims to be the source of inside information that, in his words, “other, so called journalists steal from me and put their own name on it!” Here is his recent report to me:

ITEM 3: Finally, DB reports that every Saturday morning the President meets with a professor from Georgetown behind closed doors and practices his pronunciation. Last week he heard through the door the President trying to say “nuclear.”
The professor prompts him, "no, sir, watch my lips: ‘noo - cleee - er.’ Now you try it again"
And as it continues to come out as “nuculer,” after which Mr Bush usually swears, “dammit!”

Well that’s it from here. I will be traveling to Iowa this week and, God willing, can get some new scoops on the white hot primary races. I believe I have an inside soucre with the CLinton campaign, a private investigator hired by Chelsea to watch her father.

Have a good day and stay tuned!

Jake

Tuesday, Lafayette, Indiana

Madame Petite was a client of Dr. Will’s for 13 years following the disappearance of her sister Lucy. During treatment she claims to have discovered her psychic abilities. She used these powers to find her missing sister who was suffering traumatic amnesia and living in a small village in Madison, Wisconsin. She reunited with Lucy and they live together in a mobile home in the town of Crawfordsville, Indiana. This is her report on matters transcendent:

Hey Dr. Will

  What a time I had last night! I was in the supermarket reaching for a bag of sugar when I accidently knocked a large sack of flour from the top shelf onto the floor. The bag burst open and a cloud of flour rose up. And, I swear to you, time suddenly stopped and everyone around froze. And right from within the flour arose the ghost of chicken magnate Frank Perdue.

I had no idea who it was at first, until he identified himself. Then of course his high pitched voice was instantly recognizable. He spoke to me through the fog of flour:

Madame Petite,

It is a sad day on earth but a celebration in the world here above. I can tell you that Heaven always loves it when a pop culture icon walks through the gates. And yesterday Dick Wilson, none other than Mr. Whipple Himself ambled into the Kingdom. Of course we were ready and a huge crowd of the holy gathered and shouted in unison, Please, don’t squeeze the Charmin!’ The 91-year-old advertising hero was eagerly awaited.

The welcome was not without some controversy, however, as over in a corner sat a brooding hulk of a figure. Turns out it was none other than Norman Mailer the celebrated writer. He too had just arrived and was apparently quite put off by the focus on - as he sarcastically called him - ‘Mr. Pipple.’ He remained in his sulk cursing and spitting until a venerable senior saint approached him, slapped him and sent him away. We have not seen the grouch since. Rumor has it that he was assigned tio room with Ernest Hemingway who was told to discipline the newcomer.

Then in the most delightful surprise we hear this spectacular voice singing the ZZ Top song, Legs. Accompanied by three totally hot angels, Goulet attempted to dance with the backups but, of course he looked stiff as a rail spike. Nonetheless the crowd went wild for him. And then Dick ‘Mr. Whipple’ Willson, overcome with the euphoria of the moment jumped up and started dancing with the singer.

It started to get a little out of hand and then suddenly there was a loud series of church bell gongs. Everyone froze and immediately dispersed. Only the newcomers were left standing around looking bewildered. The very next moment St. Phillip the Apostle approached the rookie duo and said, ‘this is now how we act here. Go to your rooms, please.’ Chastened, Goulet and Wilson quietly traipsed off.

With that account told, suddenly Mr. Perdue settled back down into the pile of flour from which he arose.

I wasn’t sure if it was all just a hallucination until I got in my car and, I couldn’t believe it, the second song on the radio was…you guessed it…LEGS!!

Tell me this stuff isn’t real!

Tuesday, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dr. Gunnar Ollsen is a senior research fellow at the Teletherapy Institute in Fowler Indiana. He was born in Holland and emigrated to the U.S. as a teenager. He became addicted to television, typically devoting over one hundred hours each week to watching. Sent by his parents to counseling, he then developed a reaction formation and became committed to spreading the idea that television is destroying American civilization. He now devotes his life to the science of teletherapy - the study of hidden meanings in television programs. He sent the following to me:

(CAUTION: Some of the writing below shows signs of incoherent rambling and may indicate a decompensation or even a psychotic break on the part of Dr. Ollsen. Pick out only what is helpful for you)

Dr. Will,

At a recent conference on the effects of television I was asked repeated questions about whether television causes anger and violence. The whole discussion became heated and several chairs were thrown. It seems that there is a need for a sane analysis on television and anger. And since you are the one credited with tying these two issues together in your classic text Why We Watch: Killing the Gilligan Within, I thought I would share these thoughts with you.

Television and Rage: The Dilemma of Anger

No theory of psychological healing is valid if it fails to address anger, perhaps the most fundamental of all human struggles. Anger is the cause of untold amounts of misery and failure. It has baffled the greatest minds in history. Every great thinker has wrestled with the problem of anger; millions of great and wise words have been expressed to help us in the battle against our inner rage. Freud himself admitted that trying to adequately define the concept of anger was a task that often enraged him (one famous incident involved throwing pool equipment out a window while vacationing at a spa while trying to collect his thoughts on the subject of anger).

My own father, Todd Ollsen said to me when I was ten years old, “don’t be angry … ever.” Moving in its simplicity, these words served as a guiding force as I entered the field of mental health and sought to unravel the mystery of this most disquieting human emotion. After many years of intense study, many of which enraged me as well, imagine my euphoria when it suddenly struck me upon reading your book and hearing your lectures that television was the answer!

There can be no doubt that we are in desperate need of a new response to human anger. Many strategies have been developed, all to little effect. The fact is that American society has become a boiling cauldron of contempt, a percolating pot of provocation, an oven of animosity. Where can we turn for relief? What is the common denominator?

As we look around for a source of hope, it becomes apparent that what we all share is the reflective glow of the television screen on our hot faces. It is through television that we can be reached. And this is the essence of the miracle of Teletherapy. This is what you discovered many years ago while working at the Nick-at-Nite Research Labs in Puerto Rico.

The answer to the dilemma is simple: watch more television that resolves anger in a peaceful way. Or focus on programs that portray clear consequences for the outbursts of an individual’s anger: shows that depict perps being pummeled by righteous authority figures. Select dramas where the guilty are harshly punished and the peaceful people are saved. Never watch shows that equivocate about the consequences of violence. What good does the anti-hero do anyway? In the words of Carl Jung, “anti heroes are almost always repressed turds” (loosely translated from his German).

What good does it do to sit through a program where someone guilty of anger walks away scot free? Nothing…absolutely nothing…except…to make you angry. And even when there is a two part series,if the first episode ends in a cliff hanger here an angry person seems to prevail, you must sit through the sequel to experience a gratifying resolution. And if the episodes are separated by a week, arrange to remain at home until the matters are resolved.

For those who are victims of the angry: form watch associations and cultivate warm friendly relationships with the local police who will happy to come to your rescue and aggressively subdue the violators. And for those who are angry and take it out on others, your day of reckoning is at hand. The peaceful are fed up with you and your ilk. There will be blowback!

So before you act out your inner rage, sit and watch at least twelve hours of Law and Order: Criminal Intent. Gentle but clear thinking Detective Bobby Goren will use his brain to overwhelm your primitive impulses. Bobby will bring you down, and Detective Eames will be standing by to laugh at your humiliation.

Have a great day!

Gunnar

Perhaps you are unaware if your anger has become a problem for you.
Using your experience as a viewer, see if these signs seem familiar to you:

- Tearing labels off beverage bottles while viewing television

- While channel surfing, making exaggerated changing gesture to move past religious programming.

- Unnecessarily loud hand striking when using “The Clapper” device.

- Habitual lip biting while watching rugby

- Lingering fantasies of retaliation against inconsiderate behavior by sitcom characters. (e.g., spending more than twenty minutes ruminating about a confrontation with Ted Baxter. NOTE: if this behavior includes actually making a physical list of such strategies, or attempts to make contact with the actor, seek help as soon as possible)

- Sweat soaked clothing while watching Without A Trace

- Upon entering a bathroom, you have a sudden outburst mimicking the sound effect of the shower scene in the movie Psycho

- Fantasies of physical retaliation against Monk

- When alone watching Ultimate Fighting you stand and imitate the movements of the participants

- You own a black SUV with darkened windows

Thursday, Cincinnati, Ohio

Dr. Edith Munch is a psychiatrist from New York City who testified on behalf of Dr. Will when a patient sued for malpractice. He had charged Will with using secret hypnotic techniques to make him shoplift at Walmart. Dr. Munch’s testimony cleared Dr. Will and charged him fifty thousand dollars for her assistance. He has been paying her off in installments for fourteen years. She has authored four books on feng shui and the psychology of cabinetry. She has been a technical advisor to the Maury Povich Show and is a certified tool & dye maker. She often writes to Dr. Will about issues in psychiatry.

Will,

As you know I rarely agree to see patients anymore. After so many years of their yakking I just had enough. You know my motto these days, "I will medicate but I will not ruminate." But I sometimes get roped into a clinical situation and always regret it. The latest is my sister Marie’s butt head twenty year old son, Alan. She calls me up and says he is losing it and I must help him.

So I agree and she’s right, the kid’s seriously buggers. I said hello and he began sweating profusely. I realize he is in the middle of a panic attack. After calming him down I asked what got him upset and he tells me that he suspects Marie’s new boyfriend is a terrorist. Say what!?

Yeah he was arrested by the FBI and hasn’t been seen since. Although I said the right things to him professionally, by the end of the session he actually had me nearly panicking about how vulnerable we are to lunatics bent on killing us. He left and I had a panic attack. Can you imagine?

In the interests of our readers I thought you should define panic disorder and its symptoms. Here is my two cents:

Panic Disorder. Can you relate to these symptoms:

Panic is a discrete period of intense fear or discomfort, in which four or more of the following symptoms develop abruptly and reach a peak within ten minutes:

1. Palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate:

– Your heart rate is so fast, rabbits approach you without fear.
– You can only tolerate listening to music whose percussion is in time with your heartbeat.

2. Sweating:

– After exercising at the gym, the staff must mop up your areas.
– You must launder your clothing at least twice each day.

3. Trembling or Shaking:

– In order to focus your eyes to read, you must lean against a solid object.
– Unbeknownst to those you meet, your vigorous handshake requires no energy on your part.

4. Sensations of shortness of breath or smothering:

– You can only fall asleep without covers.
– When listening to your breathing through the phone, others suspect that your dog is nearby.

5. Fears of choking:

– You are terrified of eating chicken or fish.
– Activities such as scratching your face or trying to apply lipstick triggers your gag response.

6. Feeling dizzy, unsteady, lightheaded, or faint:

– Even while standing perfectly still. You weave from side to side.
– You pass out into unconsciousness at least seven times each week.

7. Derealization (feelings of unreality) or depersonalization (being detached from oneself):

– You don’t always really know it’s you in the mirror.
– You often have a strong desire to step aside away from yourself.

8. Fear of losing control or going crazy:

– You only feel completely secure when you are physically attached to a solid object or another person.
– Even though you do not have panic disorder, this test is causing you to develop the illness.

9. Fear of dying:

– Your funeral arrangements have been made and prepaid since you were 20 years old.
– You spend every free moment of spare time sitting still in a chair in your basement.

10. Paresthesias (numbness or tingling sensation):

– In order to lift something, you must look at your hand to insure that it is really grasping.
– Every few minutes you make a little jump and cry "Wooo."

Tuesday, Newark, New Jersey

Marco Gabbo lives in Seacaucus, New Jersey and works for his father’s scrap metal company: Gabbo’s Metallos. He came to Dr. Will for eleven years in shackles through court ordered anger management therapy. Since ending treatment he quit his father’s business and opened what he calls an Urban Discipline Ranch for boys with behavior problems. It is called the Triple R (“Ralphy’s Rehabilitation Ranch”) with facilities in the city of Elizabeth, New Jersey. He has written a pamphlet called “Beaten Down With Love: A Guide to Helping Screwed Up Teens.”

Hey Doc,

Hard to believe I miss your ugly mug already.
Anyways…

Luther (you know, the officer who used to accompany me to the sessions) now works for me at the Triple R. He called and said you ordered my book online. I wanted to know a few things. First, are you intending to use this against me in some way? Hope not…for your sake.

Otherwise, giving you the benefit of the doubt, I assume you are interested in using it to help some of the the little crud balls you treat (like me, ha, ha, ha!).
Anyways…

Since you got the book (and it IS a book, not a “pamphlet” as those turds at Amazon called it!). I mean it’s almost 40 pages. Isn’t that about the same as Jonathan Livingston Seagull?” Come on.
Anyways…

I cannot trust that you will promote the book, even though the state paid you thousands of dollars for my treatment over a decade. So the least you can do is give me some air time on your weird little web sty. The main point is to share with your readers advice for raising a better boy than me.
Anyways…

These are my ten tips for keeping your son on the straight and narrow:

1. It starts with the parents when the boy is young. Make sure that his father spends as much time with him as his mommy. If Dad is a low life piece of ear wax, then find some good guy you trust (NO, not Mom’s new boyfriend!). Get a coach or someone with no prison record to hang out with him, give him noogies, teach him to spit and whistle. No singing!

2. From his first visit to the Dentist follow one rule: NO Novocain! Learn to deal with pain! DO NOT allow his mother interfere.

3. Give your son a good name. Take a list of possible names and read them aloud to three thugs from the local high school. Any name that these guys laugh at is O-U-T!

4. For every grade below B on his report card, make your son sleep outside on th lawn for three days. (If he cannot be trusted to stay, hire a guard dog). DO NOT allow his mother interfere.

5. Insist that your son plays a contact sport that requires little or no protective gear. If there is no rugby in your town, start a club. Nothing makes a man like losing a tooth in a scrum! DO NOT allow his mother interfere.

6. At least twice each year visit a local prison with your son and have him meet some of the men who are there.

7. As soon as he turns 11 years old, make him take cool showers three times a day.

8. Keep you son away from girls until he has learned to control his urges. Any girl who tries to lure your son before the age of 16 report her to the authorities and get an order of protection from the court.

9. Spend the money and hire a private investigator to do a thorough back ground check on every friend of your son, including their families.

10. Disassemble a motorcycle or a small automobile in your backyard and tell your son he cannot eat until he figures out how to put it back together again. DO NOT allow his mother interfere.

The main point here is that if you do not follow these steps to the letter I guarantee your little low life prize will be a camper at my ranch in Jersey. And neither of us want that (except me, of course).
Anyways…

That’s it from here. And by the way, I would like to formally invite you to be the graduation speaker at the Ranch next Spring. Although most of the kids will think you’re a fairy, they will get a glimpse of what a guy looks like who is not a criminal (as far as we all know, Doc! Ha Ha Ha!).

Anyways…

I’M OUT!

B.R.
Founder & President
Triple R Camp
The Solution for Rotten Boys

Thursday, Lafayette, Indiana

One of my self-proclaimed “healed patients” is a celebrity reporter & photographer for a community paper in Berkeley, California. Stationed in Los Angeles, Nick Kolitis’ column is called Rumor Mill. (This week’s entry is reprinted with permission):

Hollywood in a panic: Dog Busted!

Celebrity Libby Williams (cousin of Treat) laments the loss of star privacy:
“They now know everything we are doing & saying! Poor Dog! My God, it’s a disaster!”

It’s been a while since I have reported in to you. I have been operating under cover following a story about one of the Olsen twins and black market lip collagen treatments. This could be a career maker for me but, unfortunately it turned out to be a bust when my source was outed as an undercover agent for the lip gloss industry.

Anyway…

Have you heard about the latest celebrity jackass to get caught in a racist rant? Non other than Duane Chapman, aka Dog the Bounty Hunter. He was caught using the racist language in a phone call and was exposed by the National Enquirer. His show was immediately cancelled and he is now on the phone with Al Sharpton begging to rescue his career. Sorry Dog, that’s not likely to happen.

I just don’t get it with celebrities. When are they going to learn that we are watching and listening to everything they do and say 24-7! Anytime I am near a celebrity I warn them. Just the other day I was trying to interview Dustin “Screech” Diamond and reminded him that whatever he does will be found out and exposed. He turned and said, “yeah, promises, promises!” I don’t know what he meant but he was upset.

Don’t these people realize that we listen to everything they say?

Michael Richards thought he was afforded license in the "freedom of speech sanctuary" of a comedy club.
OOPS! NOT!

Don Imus thought he had leeway to cross any line he chose.
OOPS! NOT!

Alec Baldwin thought he was having a private conversation yelling at his daughter.
OOPS! NOT!

The list is endless. In my own life, for the past nine years I have dutifully recorded and filed away every word I have ever spoken to anyone in person or on the phone. Along with hours of video tapes documenting my ideas on celebrities they are kept safely away in a storage garage near Ventura. They are guarded by alarms, recorded dog barks and a trip wire rigged to a shotgun.

All I can say is be very careful, Dr. Will. You may think you are being discreet. You may be operating under the assumption that your conversations, even your sessions are private.

All I can say is OOPS! NOT! (Hardy Har Har!)

Have a great day!

Nick