Thursday, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

I have been seeing several commercials featuring the legendary Texas oil baron, T. Boone Pickens making his pitch for a dramatic investment in wind and solar power to help alleviate the energy crisis battering every segment of American society. According to Pickens’ plan, by ratcheting up wind power to meet out electricity needs, we will have enough leftover natural gas to fuel our cars.

It is inspiring to see a person of great influence and power step up to solve a problem without resorting to partisan rancor. As Pickens himself says, “it’s our crisis, and we can solve it.” 

Hey, unless there’s something I’m missing here, sign me up.

And of course I recognize that there is financial self-interest involved here for this man. He’s investing huge amounts of his money to build a gigantic wind farm in a rural part of Texas. And I’m sure he expects to make a lot of profit from this. Well, bully for him. This doesn’t bother me lick.

I mean if we don’t encourage wealthy entrepreneurs to dig in and get involved in the energy crisis, who is going to do it? Do we really think it will be the government? I don’t think so. The insidious partisanship in Congress prevents almost every meaningful reform. Shackled as they are to the influence of lobbyists and special interests, there’s just no way I believe the government knows how to solve the problem.

So here comes T. Boone Pickens, who says straight out, “I’ve been an oilman all my life.”  From where I sit if he’s the kind of guy who can become a billionaire in oil, he’s probably the kind of guy who can become a billionaire in wind. And if Pickens becomes a billionaire in wind, it means that we are probably going to be less dependent on the psychotic Middle East for our energy.

Have at it T. Boone!

Wednesday, New York, New York

Several recent studies have offered evidence of what we all suspect: Americans are increasingly lonely. The research has documented that most Americans cannot name more then one person who they consider to be a close friend. The trend has been steady for a few decades that we are increasingly individualistic and detached. The vast majority of us have nothing close to an adequate social support network.

Americans rely principally on their romantic relationship for virtually all our emotional sustenance, consequently over taxing and exhausting our marriages and intimate family life. The fact is that we need a wider collection of friendships and confidants that see us behind our guarded exterior. Many of us have friends, but too many of us are not adequately connected to enough of these casual acquaintances to give us what we need.

At a time when so much public attention is paid to self help strategies promising to make us feel better, we are missing the more reliable fix available to us. Instead of spending so much time, energy and even money trying to alter ourselves internally, I suggest that more people focus on changing their external realities. Bringing more relationships into our daily lives will do as much or more in the long run as all of the other short term self fixes that we try.

- The right shaft of your toaster has never been used

- You work from home on the Internet and have no professional colleagues

- No room in your house has an outside view

- When you passed out in your home no one noticed you were gone for three days

Monday, Hershey, Pennsylvania

The impact of the nation’s economic slow down are felt everywhere. From the obvious pressures of gas prices and the mortgage crisis, virtually every business is feeling the pinch. And this month even Starbucks has announced that it is closing 600 stores around the country! I didn’t see that coming.

Starbucks coffees are a daily staple for millions of Americans. Has consumption dropped so precipitously that this many stores have tanked!? What are the devoted Starbuckians doing to satisfy their coffee fix if they have opted out of their costly ritual? Does this mean that many have returned to their former humble haunts like Dunkin’ Donuts or - shut my mouth - gas station java? Talk about a painful adjustment! The radiating effects of such a change will be felt in every corner of the sacrificer’s life.

It is likely that many Starbucks aficionados, now denied their daily cup of venti soy hazelnut vanilla cinnamon white mocha with extra caramel, will suffer significant emotional and physical withdrawal symptoms. The slide down the java ladder to cheap consumer coffee is sure to alter their sleep habits and gastrointestinal routines. And these disturbances are sure to have a further impact on their mood. Their families and co-workers will feel the mounting frustration and irritation caused by their soy loss. Relationship balances will be unhinged and profit margins squeezed! The Starbucks crisis will have a domino effect that can lead to social chaos and global ruination.

Oh the humanity!

Restlessness - Sitting down has become so uncomfortable that you change careers to one where you can stand all the time, e.g., toll collector

Nervousness - Small, insignificant noises cause you to experience intense anxiety, e.g., opening a paper grocery bag

Excitement - Your voice volume has become so elevated that people lean backward when listening to you

Insomnia - Even though you have excellent hygiene, you find that you only need to launder your bedding twice a year

Flushed Face - You no longer need makeup & several friends have inquired about your drinking

Diuresis - You must carry a glass jar with you at all times

Gastrointestinal Disturbance - Your pets no longer desire to sit near you in the evening

Muscle Twitching - Even though you feel you are sitting still, others constantly assume that you are motioning to them

Rambling Flow of Thought & Speech - Your computer speech recognition program consistently crashes

Tachycardia or Cardiac Arrhythmia - Your normal heartbeat is now visible to others through your clothing

Periods of Inexhaustibility - You regularly complete your annual work goals before February 15th

Psychomotor Agitation - You are never, not cracking your knuckles

Thursday, Lafayette, Indiana

I am excited to announce that my book: Why We Watch: Killing the Gilligan Within has been re-released and is available to you, the neurotic reader, by clicking here.

It is a satire of a self help book and will make you laugh. If it does not make you laugh, then you can utilize the information as a serious strategy for healing your wounded psyche. Either way, it works. And pay NO attention to what any so-called critics say -  they are generally neo-artists afflicted with at least one Axis II personality disorder that renders their opinion moot.

Wednesday, Lafayette, Indiana

Despite how much I love the season, there is one aspect of summer that I find distasteful: INSECTS!

I realize of course that there is a vast distinction between the harmless bugs and the more toxic critters. But frankly I cannot tell the difference. Whether a spider suspended in the air or a moth fluttering around my porch light they all creep me out. If that makes me a wimp, well, spit in your eye. I don’t care.

Bugs give me the Heebie Jeebies!

I have a friend, Dr. Tom Turpin, an eminent entomologist at Purdue who works hard to demystify the world of insects. He is devoted to helping us understand the mysterious universe of bugs. He loves bugs. And good for him! Nonetheless, from my point of view this is appeasement of an enemy that will soon rise up and swallow us all! I know I sound like an hysteric, and perhaps I am. I hope I am wrong, but it is foolish to take chances.

I am not suggesting that we go to all out war with the insect world, but it seems to me that we could be more vigilant and assertive keeping them at wider bay from my space. If moths love flitzing around lights, fine. There are lamps on public poles, get off my porch! If spiders like stringing elaborate webs, that’s cool; just do it in the woods somewhere and get out of my garage.

And don’t get me started on mosquitoes!?

Monday, Indianapolis, Indiana

Americans have always been dreamers. But unlike dreamers around the world, it is unique to our culture that we believe that our dreams can truly come true. We resist consigning our dreams to the realm of fantasy, but instead believe that our dreams are in fact our plans. Although many eventually give up their dreams, millions continue to pursue the endeavor of making their dreams a reality. And so it is no wonder that it is a curious American phenomenon that Disneyland has endured for more than half a century.

It was this week in 1955 that Walt Disney created the “Magic Kingdom,” outside of Los Angeles and lured visitors from around the country and the world to come to his escape. Disneyland captured the imagination of America, and in fact became associated with America itself. To millions around the world, especially those living in poverty and oppression, Disneyland represents the possibility they can only imagine. Every character associated with Disneyland is gentle and upbeat, from sweet Mickey Mouse through harmless Daffy Duck and the gentle dimwit Goofy. Walt Disney created an alternate universe that was far more appealing than the reality most people were living.

Any visitor to Disneyland, or its franchise Disney World in Florida, knows that while the motivation may be to take the children for a fun and safe vacation, understands that the adults often enjoy the escapist experience every bit as much. In fact, for the parents visiting Disneyland or Disney World, it is a common experience to desire to be there without the responsibility of watching over their kids. In other words, most adults also need a Disney experience. There is no one who would not revel in the delights of an adult Disneyland. And for many, there is such a place. It’s called Las Vegas.

It is most common to feel the fatigue of daily responsibilities, the rigors of jobs and parenting, financial pressures and worries about the future. It is natural, of course, to desire an opportunity for escape. It is not something we can realistically do, but it is a worthy fantasy nonetheless. Walt Disney believed he was creating a delightful environment for children, but perhaps unexpectedly he touched a chord of recognition and the parents, all of whom crave a Disney World.

Friday, Indianapolis, Indiana

Although I am certainly a person with clear opinions, I am also willing to admit readily but for many large social problems I operate the way most citizens do: on the basis of the (usually limited) knowledge available to me. So while I have a point of view about such hot button issues as the war, politicians and global warming, in fairness I have to say that my information is based on impressions gleaned from the media I can access. I have no friends in the CIA or any others who operate “behind the curtain” of secrecy. So with that caveat, I am pretty convinced nonetheless that the American Healthcare system is an abominable mess. Further, I have no confidence that too few people are profiting obscenely at the expense of the rest of the population getting screwed to the wall by our system.

Our community is very fortunate to have two brand-new, state-of-the-art hospitals opening up within the next year. This sounds pretty great, except that the two hospitals have a long standing, fiery and nasty competition with each other. In a nutshell, they can’t stand each other. And for the majority of us citizens here in town it means that we are at the mercy of each one’s acrimonious tactics to gain an edge against the other. It’s pretty revolting.

Now I am certainly not anti-competition. Quite the contrary. I love that our local Best Buy and Circuit City have to compete for my business. It’s in my interest to have both stores do well. But obviously this is not the case with our local health-care providers. For several years before I was on Sally’s health-care plan, I had to pay for our coverage independently. Although we are not young, we are very healthy. About five years ago my monthly premium for health care was around $650. Two years ago, the last year we were covered, my premium was $1350! This is just nuts! It’s damaging, obscene and from my point of view immoral.

This horrendous cost for routine coverage is a scourge on society, more troubling to me than even paying $4 a gallon for gas. And if health care costs are putting the squeeze on someone in my position, I cannot imagine what even a minor medical problem does to a working class family, paying their taxes and doing what they’re supposed to do for their kids. I don’t resent for a second giving generous compensation to the brilliant professionals who do incredible, nearly miraculous things to save lives and repair broken bodies. They all deserve to be highly paid and highly esteemed by society. To me the doctors and nurses are not the problem. I don’t know who is making millions in the system, but something has to change. This issue has made me put the matter of health care reform near the very top of my list of priorities as a citizen and voter.

I want what everyone else wants in this country: an end to the war, a plan for security against terrorism, a serious approach to alternative energy sources, and, LEADERS WHO WILL STAND UP AND MAKE THINGS RIGHT WITH THE MEDICAL SYSTEM IN AMERICA. It’s way past time!

- Meals at the hospital are from a fast food hamburger chain

- The receptionist is a chain smoker

- The local ambulance has a standard transmission

- Your hospital only accepts cash

- Your family physician moonlights as a barber

- When you call for a doctor’s appointment they ask if you can bring your own thermometer

- Your nurse admits she faints at the sight of blood

- Your community has not yet adopted the 911 system

- After each use, equipment is wiped off on the doctor’s bloody lab coat

- When you refer your doctor to an article in the A.M.A. Journal he asks what those letters mean

Thursday, Indianapolis, Indiana

Can you imagine being under unfair suspicion for a dozen years by the police - as well as the entire country - for the murder of your own young child? Here you are, stunned in grief that your little girl was killed in the basement, but you must use your energy and keep your focus on trying to prove your innocence! How do you even begin to get your mind around this trauma? You can’t even begin the coping process because the police have turned their suspicions on you as the suspect in the crime. This is the nightmare that came upon the Ramsey family in Boulder, Colorado in 1996.

After more than a decade of suspicion where the press accounts led many, if not most Americans to believe that the parents were somehow involved in their daughter’s murder, the Ramseys were finally exonerated. New DNA evidence formally eliminated the family as suspects and made clear that an unknown male was at the scene that night. Boulder District Attorney Mary Lacy officially apologized for the cloud of suspicion that has hung over the Ramseys for all these years. This was some comfort to John Ramsey but too late for mother Patsy who died in 2006 of ovarian cancer - going to her grave without the vindication she deserved.

We live in trust that the authorities will behave with honor and competence, and that while we might possibly become the victim of a criminal, we will be protected by the police and other law enforcement authorities. But when we become the victims of the very system itself, the nightmare becomes all too real. Today’s vindication comes far too late for the Ramsey family, virtually destroyed by the unspeakable tragedy visited on their house the night their little girl was slain.

The capricious whimsy that can bring down upon us the power of the civil authorities when we are innocent is among the most frightening possibilities of life. The Ramsey case is a cautionary tale. The District Attorney’s apology is weak and late and shameful.

Wednesday, Indianapolis, Indiana

I give a lot of speeches throughout the year to all sorts of groups. I speak to meetings of large corporations from a wide variety of industries. They could be sales meetings, leadership conferences, association gatherings or fundraisers. After spending 17 years as a nightclub standup comic, I have thoroughly enjoyed the past 12 years as a speaker (although my presentation does indeed include standup comedy). Traveling around the country you can imagine the number and variety of people I have met. Among the coolest experiences has been the opportunity to speak to gatherings of investment clients of extreme wealth.

I can attest in all honesty that I really don’t envy such wealth. Of course I want to do well, and I am a successful professional. Sally and I have a life we love. Materially we have what we need, which is not extreme. But it has been fascinating to meet and engage these remarkable individuals who have accumulated staggering levels of wealth either through inheritance or their own amazing business success. The reason I’m usually asked to speak to such gatherings is because of my message about quality of life, emotional balance and coping with the stress of living. In particular, the concern I have heard expressed most frequently from these groups is how they can raise their children in their unique family environment of affluence in a way that will ensure the development of good citizenship and solid moral character. And without exception I have been deeply impressed by the integrity of concerns these individuals have for this issue.

Perhaps it has been my exposure to these people who take seriously their obligation to balance their personal largess with civic responsibility. Aside from the silent, anonymous wealthy, we are all well aware of, and admire how people like Bill & Melinda Gates and Ted Turner, among others, comport themselves as people of limitless wealth - they are hard working, proud of their accomplishments, demanding of others - but also generous to the poor.

Whether you admire them or not, their commitment to service and sharing is what every person of limited means would like to believe that they themselves would do. And so it is in light of these examples that we are horrified by the public behavior of so many celebrity entertainers and athletes who flaunt their wealth and behave despicably. Talk about needing role models!

From the jet setting teenage girls of no particular talent, like Paris Hilton and her ilk, to singers and actors whose talents are admired completely out of proportion to what other people of skill do, and the pantheon of professional athletes who attained godlike status it is all so embarrassing. No one resents Tiger Woods, Bono, Michael Jordan, Tom Hanks and other worthy role models. But partly this is because their personal lives reflect the same characteristics of humility and gratitude as their professional lives.

Tuesday, Indianapolis, Indiana

Every baseball fan knows that the New York Yankees are more than a baseball team. With the richest winning tradition in their sport, they are also a lightrneing rod for publicity, living in the intense glare of the New York media juggernaut. They are a constant public soap opera whose stories get as much attention as the performance of the team on the field. The antics of the superstar players OFF the field are as much the focus of the media as their athletic statistics. And it seems that there is always a personal story brewing in the Bronx.

Among the many high profile Yankee stars followed by the tabloid as well as the sports media, Alex, “A Rod” Rodriguez is a frequent target of rumors and stores about his turbulent relationships with teammates and the fans. A Rod is among the highest paid athletes in America, as well as one of the most prolific hitters in baseball. But especially since arriving in New York City, he has been a constant subject of off-the-field stories, usually having to do with his complicated relationship with teammates and the notoriously demanding New York fans. But the latest lone is a real beaut! It seems that A Rod has been stepping out on his gorgeous wife with…er…MADONNA!!

Say what!?

Yeah, That MADONNA! The 49 year old whack-job singer, actress-wannabe Madonna has captured the heart of Rodriguez! Here he is, a young 20-something, incredibly rich and good looking stud superstar, smitten by the aging, pretentious pop-princess, publicity hound. A Rod’s wife Cynthia, on news of the shenanigans, filed divorce papers claiming that Alex has abandoned his family.

What in the name of heavens is this morton thinking? The infidelity is bad enough. But are you that shallow that you fall for the cheese ball, posing spirituality of multi-millionaire Madonna…ah…herself a married woman with young kids?

If there was any doubt about Rodriguez’s personal judgement, this seals it. He is now consigned to a laughing stock in popular culture.

Way to go, A … Rod!

Indicators that you have faulty personal judgement:

- At 50 years old, you tell you wife & kids that you’re quitting your job to “make it” in rock music

- For vacation you decide to go camping alone in the Columbian forest

- You cash in your 401K and invest your life savings in a women’s Roller Derby Franchise

- You propose to a woman you met a week after she is released from prison

- A week before starting a new job at an accounting firm you get a tattoo on your face

- Lured by an offer of 5% off the sticker price & 15% financing, you just bought a loaded Hummer

- Despite having no training you climb a pole in your yard to fix a faulty electrical connection

- Although you liver in a tiny, studio apartment in the city, you buy a Saint Bernard dog

- As a joke you streak at the wedding reception of your employer’s daughter

- When your computer emits a strange hum you try to fix it using a hammer