SUNDAY, October 12, 2008
Lafayette, Indiana

Well, well, well…I boast about my diligent daily entries for two years and then disappear - without warning - for six weeks. Isn’t that special!?

I deserve to be thrashed (ah…metaphorically. Please don’t actually come and thrash me)

I am on the Bob & Tom Show tomorrow morning and I hope you can listen.

I will be talking about the third edition of the book Refrigerator Rights that was just released.

In any event, I will be picking up the ball again so - thanks for the toleration.

Friday, Lafayette, Indiana

It’s a delight to announce that the book Refrigerator Rights: Our Crucial Need for Close Connection has been updated and rereleased! The new version has added a chapter and updated all of the research studies affirming our central thesis that between moving and media Americans are experiencing record levels of stress disorders, unprecedented throughout the world. In fact, we lead the world in depression, anxiety and stress related health ailments.

The book makes the argument that the driving force behind these problems is our lifestyle of separation and individuality, self-reliance and disconnection. It has helped countless readers rethink their priorities and the lifestyle they have chosen that puts too narrow a focus on their significant other and immediate family, marginalizing the need for extended relationships.

The research is clear, and I hope you will do yourself a favor and learn about your need for Refrigerator Rights Relationships.

Wednesday, Lafayette, Indiana

I’ll share more about this tomorrow. Have a great day, and thanks for sticking with me.

Wednesday, Lafayette, Indiana

It took me a while to think of a post today. This is in part because today marks the beginning of the third year of the pop-culture journal. That’s right, I have written every day for two years. First of all I want to express my profound thanks to all of you who have been steady readers. I have experimented with different topics and styles in the hopes that I have provided insight, entertainment and distraction to your busy day.

As a begin his third year, it is my hope to hear from you about what content you prefer. I’ve worked hard to maintain a balance between an open expression of my point of view, with respect for yours. I have never wanted this journal to be too narrowly partisan. I feel like I am best equipped to offer the insights that come with my training and experience as a therapist. If there are topics you would like me to comment upon, anything from your favorite television shows to what’s going on in society let me know. I will happily oblige.

E-mail me by clicking here

Friday, Lafayette, Indiana

Perhaps it was the intensity of being on the East Coast where I traveled to speak. Spending a few days in Boston, a great city to visit, I got caught up as I usually do in the hot rhythm of the city’s pace. Looking back on the observations this week are realized I have been ranting, intense like a man on fire. So perhaps it’s fitting that I conclude this week of froth with a reflection on the futility of purposeless intensity.

I suppose it goes along with having passion for my life and work that it is an ever present challenge to rein in my intensity, to direct my energy with more focus and less spill over. As I approach my seventh decade of life it is still a challenge to be a person of greater serenity without surrendering my enthusiasm for my ministry. My sister Pat is a therapist in Virginia and has worked for many years in hospice with dying patients. It’s evident that this experience has gone a long way toward shaping her perspective, a perspective I admire and seek to emulate. If I have trouble with this life and never, blessed as I am, it’s no wonder that society is free quickly plagued by the misdirected passions of people whose lives are characterized by relentless suffering. So many people feel trapped, and they are trapped behind walls of their relationships, their debt or the homes of their childhood. What do they do with their energy?

While it may seem like a stretch intellectually, this issue feels very connected to me with my work promoting social connection, for my speaking and writing on refrigerator rights. You know, the kind of relationships with people who can just come into a refrigerator without needing to ask permission. These are the very kinds of connections and friendships that are missing in the lives of most Americans. When our lifestyle is characterized by radical individuality and social isolation we wind up becoming dependent on our own personal, emotional resources. And quite frankly, from a psychological point of view this is simply not adequate to maintain an equilibrium in our mood.

Struggling with a personality characterized by too much emotional intensity is, for me, a symptom of not having enough interpersonal outlets to keep our mood stable. A significant part of personal health is having the ability and freedom to speak candidly with those who care about us about what thrills us and what frustrates us in our work and with our families. Without having these connections, we are at risk to vent in inappropriate places. Therapists refer to this as displaced anger. It comes out in any variety of odd settings, from the way we drive to the ideology we attach to, and are in tolerance for the behavior of strangers we encounter every day.

Given that I have spent most of this week venting about things in the culture, it tells me I probably need to get some contact with family and friends. I will do that this weekend, and hope you have opportunities to do the same. Have a great couple of days and spend some time with people who care about you, or begin the process of creating those kinds of connections.

Thursday, Lafayette, Indiana

Maybe you are blessed with a perpetually sunshine personality. Perhaps your mood is stable and its fluctuations are unnoticeable to others. I’m married to someone like that. Which is great…sort of great. On the one hand I can depend on her cheery outlook that rarely sinks. She is dependable and predictable. And our son is much the same. Unfortunately, I am more…let’s say…mercurial!

In daily living, the other side of this equation is, of course, that the bright light of her temperament shines on the shadows of my own darker moods. When I am out of sorts, as they say, the contrast with someone else’s cheery glow makes me feel like an exposed bug, scurrying for cover. It makes self awareness all the more uncomfortable.

The worst aspect of mood is it’s utter unpredictability. A dark mood is no more planned than a day of buoyancy. Certainly there are times when you can feel it coming on, in the aftermath of some event, bad news or conflict. But when the blue moods come from nowhere in particular, at least when you cannot pinpoint the source, it is a contagious condition. Unpredictable moods are so frustrating because, without knowing why you feel low, it means there is nothing else substantive to talk about…except the mood itself. And that goes nowhere.

The more life I experience, the more it seems that depression in some form is virtually everywhere. For some it comes and goes. For others it is worn like a wet, heavy coat. Here I am, with a life blessed and favored, and I can neither see nor control the maddening onset of a detached, grumpy disposition. All I can do, it seems is sit and rue the bad effect it has had on others.

I hope you have a cheery day. I know I will…now…I hope!

Monday, Indianapolis, Indiana

It was 180 years ago today that Noah Webster published the first dictionary of the English Language. For generations Webster’ Dictionary was our principle source for understanding words. Until the age of the Internet and the ease of Google, the dictionary was it - the essential resource for vocabulary. It was required reading for every school child in a time when competence with the English language was demanded. Being educated meant competence with our language, including it’s proper usage - grammar.

“…I never had went there before…”

“…a large amount of people showed up…”

It seems almost quaint now in a time when we seem to celebrate speech that is so casual that it violates all grammatical rules. Listen to the language you hear in casual conversations, speaking with service people in stores or on the phone. Common conversation makes vividly clear that millions of people simply did not pay attention in their English classes through a decade of schooling.

“…this is your guys time…”

“…the team are all ready…”

Even if you are not a grammar aficionado yourself, most of us can feel the cringe when we hear someone butcher the language. This is not to say there aren’t times when intentionally casual speech is fine. But if an individual cannot switch between informal speech and proper grammar when professionally necessary, it is a sure career show-stopper. And this limitation affects a lot of people with college degrees.

“…between you and I…”

“…they didn’t except my credit card…”

While this might seem a petty point, slovenly communication seriously inhibits a person’s ability to succeed in most professions. In fact in surveys, employers list poor grammar and spelling as the main reason they pass over a resume.

What’s sad is that when a person demonstrates such limitations in their communication, it not only exposes their lack of cultivation, but it’s unlikely that anyone will be kind enough to point it out to them. People who speak poorly rarely hear feedback that their language is holding them back.

I am no model of perfection. I frequently use the phrase “with him and I” instead of “him and me.” Thankfully my wife Sally, an elementary school principal, reminds me gently and I have mostly corrected the error. In fact, she tells me that the number one item missed on school achievement tests in misuse of the personal pronoun.

It’s become clear to me over the years that polished language is a critical asset for anyone’s career and life.

“…but comparing to me, he don’t talk too good…”

If you career is stalled, might be time to breeze through the classic Webster tome and perhaps your fourth grade grammar text. It will pay off. You get a job, a raise and the respect that you have become a real good talker!

My media computer crashed (over heated!!).

Dr. Will appeared on the nationally syndicated Bob & Tom Show Monday (Hope you enjoyed!)