Wednesday, Lafayette, Indiana

It took me a while to think of a post today. This is in part because today marks the beginning of the third year of the pop-culture journal. That’s right, I have written every day for two years. First of all I want to express my profound thanks to all of you who have been steady readers. I have experimented with different topics and styles in the hopes that I have provided insight, entertainment and distraction to your busy day.

As a begin his third year, it is my hope to hear from you about what content you prefer. I’ve worked hard to maintain a balance between an open expression of my point of view, with respect for yours. I have never wanted this journal to be too narrowly partisan. I feel like I am best equipped to offer the insights that come with my training and experience as a therapist. If there are topics you would like me to comment upon, anything from your favorite television shows to what’s going on in society let me know. I will happily oblige.

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Friday, Lafayette, Indiana

Perhaps it was the intensity of being on the East Coast where I traveled to speak. Spending a few days in Boston, a great city to visit, I got caught up as I usually do in the hot rhythm of the city’s pace. Looking back on the observations this week are realized I have been ranting, intense like a man on fire. So perhaps it’s fitting that I conclude this week of froth with a reflection on the futility of purposeless intensity.

I suppose it goes along with having passion for my life and work that it is an ever present challenge to rein in my intensity, to direct my energy with more focus and less spill over. As I approach my seventh decade of life it is still a challenge to be a person of greater serenity without surrendering my enthusiasm for my ministry. My sister Pat is a therapist in Virginia and has worked for many years in hospice with dying patients. It’s evident that this experience has gone a long way toward shaping her perspective, a perspective I admire and seek to emulate. If I have trouble with this life and never, blessed as I am, it’s no wonder that society is free quickly plagued by the misdirected passions of people whose lives are characterized by relentless suffering. So many people feel trapped, and they are trapped behind walls of their relationships, their debt or the homes of their childhood. What do they do with their energy?

While it may seem like a stretch intellectually, this issue feels very connected to me with my work promoting social connection, for my speaking and writing on refrigerator rights. You know, the kind of relationships with people who can just come into a refrigerator without needing to ask permission. These are the very kinds of connections and friendships that are missing in the lives of most Americans. When our lifestyle is characterized by radical individuality and social isolation we wind up becoming dependent on our own personal, emotional resources. And quite frankly, from a psychological point of view this is simply not adequate to maintain an equilibrium in our mood.

Struggling with a personality characterized by too much emotional intensity is, for me, a symptom of not having enough interpersonal outlets to keep our mood stable. A significant part of personal health is having the ability and freedom to speak candidly with those who care about us about what thrills us and what frustrates us in our work and with our families. Without having these connections, we are at risk to vent in inappropriate places. Therapists refer to this as displaced anger. It comes out in any variety of odd settings, from the way we drive to the ideology we attach to, and are in tolerance for the behavior of strangers we encounter every day.

Given that I have spent most of this week venting about things in the culture, it tells me I probably need to get some contact with family and friends. I will do that this weekend, and hope you have opportunities to do the same. Have a great couple of days and spend some time with people who care about you, or begin the process of creating those kinds of connections.

Thursday, Lafayette, Indiana

Maybe you are blessed with a perpetually sunshine personality. Perhaps your mood is stable and its fluctuations are unnoticeable to others. I’m married to someone like that. Which is great…sort of great. On the one hand I can depend on her cheery outlook that rarely sinks. She is dependable and predictable. And our son is much the same. Unfortunately, I am more…let’s say…mercurial!

In daily living, the other side of this equation is, of course, that the bright light of her temperament shines on the shadows of my own darker moods. When I am out of sorts, as they say, the contrast with someone else’s cheery glow makes me feel like an exposed bug, scurrying for cover. It makes self awareness all the more uncomfortable.

The worst aspect of mood is it’s utter unpredictability. A dark mood is no more planned than a day of buoyancy. Certainly there are times when you can feel it coming on, in the aftermath of some event, bad news or conflict. But when the blue moods come from nowhere in particular, at least when you cannot pinpoint the source, it is a contagious condition. Unpredictable moods are so frustrating because, without knowing why you feel low, it means there is nothing else substantive to talk about…except the mood itself. And that goes nowhere.

The more life I experience, the more it seems that depression in some form is virtually everywhere. For some it comes and goes. For others it is worn like a wet, heavy coat. Here I am, with a life blessed and favored, and I can neither see nor control the maddening onset of a detached, grumpy disposition. All I can do, it seems is sit and rue the bad effect it has had on others.

I hope you have a cheery day. I know I will…now…I hope!

Monday, Indianapolis, Indiana

It was 180 years ago today that Noah Webster published the first dictionary of the English Language. For generations Webster’ Dictionary was our principle source for understanding words. Until the age of the Internet and the ease of Google, the dictionary was it - the essential resource for vocabulary. It was required reading for every school child in a time when competence with the English language was demanded. Being educated meant competence with our language, including it’s proper usage - grammar.

“…I never had went there before…”

“…a large amount of people showed up…”

It seems almost quaint now in a time when we seem to celebrate speech that is so casual that it violates all grammatical rules. Listen to the language you hear in casual conversations, speaking with service people in stores or on the phone. Common conversation makes vividly clear that millions of people simply did not pay attention in their English classes through a decade of schooling.

“…this is your guys time…”

“…the team are all ready…”

Even if you are not a grammar aficionado yourself, most of us can feel the cringe when we hear someone butcher the language. This is not to say there aren’t times when intentionally casual speech is fine. But if an individual cannot switch between informal speech and proper grammar when professionally necessary, it is a sure career show-stopper. And this limitation affects a lot of people with college degrees.

“…between you and I…”

“…they didn’t except my credit card…”

While this might seem a petty point, slovenly communication seriously inhibits a person’s ability to succeed in most professions. In fact in surveys, employers list poor grammar and spelling as the main reason they pass over a resume.

What’s sad is that when a person demonstrates such limitations in their communication, it not only exposes their lack of cultivation, but it’s unlikely that anyone will be kind enough to point it out to them. People who speak poorly rarely hear feedback that their language is holding them back.

I am no model of perfection. I frequently use the phrase “with him and I” instead of “him and me.” Thankfully my wife Sally, an elementary school principal, reminds me gently and I have mostly corrected the error. In fact, she tells me that the number one item missed on school achievement tests in misuse of the personal pronoun.

It’s become clear to me over the years that polished language is a critical asset for anyone’s career and life.

“…but comparing to me, he don’t talk too good…”

If you career is stalled, might be time to breeze through the classic Webster tome and perhaps your fourth grade grammar text. It will pay off. You get a job, a raise and the respect that you have become a real good talker!

My media computer crashed (over heated!!).

Dr. Will appeared on the nationally syndicated Bob & Tom Show Monday (Hope you enjoyed!)

I have been getting a tsunami of spam comments that number in the hundreds each day. So unfortunately I have had to restrict access by requiring a contributor to offer a name & email. You have my word that I will NOT abuse your information, put you on a list of any kind or bother you. It’s simply a device to dam the flow of insidious trash. Sorry for the inconvenience. Have a great weekend. Will

Friday, Hartford, Connecticut

It took a global diplomat to do what baseball refused to do itself for over a decade. Retired United States Senator George Mitchell investigated and reported the cold facts about steroids and other, performance enhancing drugs rampant in the sport. His bombshell report released Thursday outed many major icons of the sport for cheating their way into glory. Pitcher Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte were among the most high profile superstars to be named as steroid users.

The named athletes immediately denied the allegations and cried foul about the way their names were mentioned without due process. It certainly is a traumatic experience to have your public reputation sullied over night, given the widespread suspicion on all professional athletes. This surely is a case of being assumed guilty until you can prove your innocence.

However, my sympathies are not with the athletes. It was made clear by Senator Mitchell that everyone whose name emerged in the investigation was given an opportunity to speak with the investigators to clarify and clear their names in advance. And none of the accused players took advantage of the opportunity. This was foolish for two reasons:

First, Mitchell made clear that he was recommending that those named should not be penalized by baseball. This means that if the aggrieved individuals like Clemens had argued their case before the investigators, they might have had an opportunity to have their names be taken out of the report, even if temporarily until proof be found. By refusing, they suffered the consequences of the public relations bombshell.

Second, it ignored the widespread belief by most if not many fans that the players - especially those who accumulate staggering statistics late in their career - were not doing so honestly. What fan has not noticed the shocking change in Barry Bonds physical appearance? Who has not looked with curiosity - if not outright suspicion at the amazing stamina and pitching speed of Roger Clemens at forty years old? These are either super human accomplishments, or maybe the result of some help outside the rules.

The blame for this debacle most clearly rests principally with baseball as an institution and a business. And the irrational mania for sports that elevates the players to a divine status exacerbates the situation.

From the Commissioner’s office down to the owners of the teams appeared to ignore what seemed obvious to many, especially the sports journalists who were seeing these guys up close and personal. The change in appearance and attitude that was observed by watchers of the game raised suspicions decades ago. And most of the fans became curious during the infamous home run juggernaut when baseball’s legendary hitting records were suddenly overwhelmed by Sammy Sosa and Mark McGuire. It all seemed too easy.

What Do We Learn?

The baseball scandal is perhaps the inevitable result of a culture that so inflates the status of athletes and entertainers. Held up to a level of esteem that cannot be matched in reality distorts the fan’s perceptions as well as the self worth of the athletes themselves. When compensation bears little or no resemblance to the real value of the labor, it erodes self esteem. When a culture rewards people playing games, acting in movies and singing on stage by paying hundreds of times the remuneration as someone exhausting themselves through other forms of performance and service, it raises questions about all of our values.

I am not proposing that the local postal carrier, a truck driver or even my dentist be offered a salary of ten million dollars a year. But the labor of these individuals taxes their capacity as much as any other job. The staggering gap between their compensation and a baseball player is hard to comprehend.

There was a searing line in the movie Aviator when Leonardo DiCaprio, portraying the legendary engineer, inventor and industrial genius Howard Hughes chides Katharine Hepburn for criticizing him. He barks at her, “Don’t lecture me! You are just a movie star, that’s all!”

Uh huh!

Hughes had his sense of proportion right. I’m fine with celebrity athletes and entertainers being richly compensated for their work. But when we as a society lose all our sense of proportion, lionize them and exaggerate their real value, what should we expect but that they will cling tenaciously to their inflated status, even if it means cheating?

Tuesday, Indianapolis, Indiana

Is the culture becoming meaner? There seems to be evidence suggesting that people are getting so competitive and focused on individual success that we are willing to take it out on anyone getting in our way. The most recent exhibit is the shocking turn of events is the competition for Miss Puerto Rico. This past week contestant Ingrid Rivera was the victim of a poor sport willing to flaunt the rules of law and civility to win the contest.

In the spirit of another famous sports victim Nancy Kerrigan, an as-yet unnamed rival arranged to have her Ms. Rivera’s formal competition gown spiked with pepper spray!

Holy San Juan Hill!!

As a result Ms. Rivera broke out in hives and had a swollen face for her final stage appearance. You might recall the shocking story in advance of the 1994 Olympics when infamous, redneck skating competitor Tanya Harding’s husband, Jeff Gillooly hired friend and thug Shawn Eckhardt to whack Nancy Kerrigan on the knee to get her put of the competition. The incident unhinged all of their lives.

In this latest bizarre reprise in Puerto Rico, an unidentified beauty pageant competitor is suspected of sabotaging the dress and makeup of the front runner. In spite of her hives and a face puffed up like a yeast cake, Ms. Rivera won the competition and will be representing Puerto Rico in the Miss Universe competition.

What Are We Becoming?

Are we getting less civilized? Is it that the media is covering human depravity more thoroughly that it distorts our impression of the collective character? Are we now a more violent society?

What makes an individual so desperate for success, fame and wealth that they will try to ruin the health of another to advance her own chances for winning? Is the lure of notoriety so irresistible that it makes people desperate? The evidence suggests we have cultivated a generation who feel that personal meaning is rooted in personal prowess - prevailing over all others no matter how it gets done.

I cannot win on my own; I will do what it takes to bring you down. Wow!

In instances such as the Puerto Rico Beauty Pageant, I do give credit to the media whose coverage of these outrageous incidents bring righteous shame on the perpetrators and expose their misdeeds. In the end shaming is one of our most effective weapons against anti-social behavior. So whoever the perpetrator of the beauty pageant sabatoge is, when they are finally exposed they will be shamed, villified and have their own twisted ambitions righteously ridiculed.