Dr. Will Miller's
Pop Culture Journal
The Weird & Quirky
What is Teletherapy
Teletherapy is a new method of psychological healing invented by Dr. Will. It is based on a careful analysis of your television viewing. The term is a fusion of the words "television" and "therapy" and so exactly describes what it does. The name Television comes from the Greek ‘tele’ which means distant or far off, and the Latin word ‘visio,’ meaning to see. Television means seeing something from a far distance. Thus the term “Teletherapy” means to be healed from far away.
And note that since “Teletherapy” is a combination of Latin and Greek, it is a metaphor for itself! Just as the word fuses the Roman with the Greek, the classic with the contaminated, so too Teletherapy merges the high art of Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy with the murky bottom of America’s putrid, trashy popular culture.
So even though Dr. Will is physically removed from you, he can heal you from far away through the indirect medium of television. Is it any wonder that we often refer to this process as the “miracle of Teletherapy?” And this, my friends, is exactly what it is - a miracle!So, do you need teletherapy? See the indicators below:
Five common signs that indicate a need for treatment by a Teletherapist
1. In normal conversations, you speak as if from a script, always feeling that you are awaiting your turn to deliver a line. In severe cases, this might also include spending time preparing your verbal input for a routine social interaction.
2. During sitcoms, a variety of physical symptoms emerge including unexpected swooning, persistent ringing sounds in the ears, involuntary tics such as lip twitching and hand washing motions, and a fear of phantom limb pain.
3. In social situations, initiating inappropriate and emotionally charged conversations about television characters. For instance, you begin openly weeping while describing the suffering of fugitive Dr. Richard Kimball.
4. Agitation while watching Public Broadcasting
5. Making more than three calls within six months to America’s Most Wanted to offer information.
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The Power of Television
Far from being a waste of time, television is a powerful tool - if used in the right way. In essence, you can literally “watch your way to wellness.” Teletherapy flatly rejects every and all previous theories and assumptions that television is bad for you. Nonsense! Is a scalpel bad? Only if used for the wrong purpose. But if used as intended, the scalpel cuts and slices for healing. If it is used for dicing, it is in the hands of an amateur. We think you get the point.
Don’t be fooled by the superficial criticism of television. There are many misinformed pundits who see in television an easy scapegoat for all social ills. This is invalid. The proponents of such theories are either poorly educated in the metaphysical sciences, unschooled in the rudiments of Teletherapy, or even suffer from a serious adjustment disorder. In a highly under-reported research project at a major junior college, an analysis of television criticism concluded that over 48% of those who wrote more than one article blaming television for social problems showed almost all of the symptoms associated with alien abduction and surgery. Enough said.
If you watch television with the assistance of Teletherapy, everything about your personality will change forever. In fact, I can personally guarantee that your psychological problems will simply melt away. We see television as a cornucopia spilling over with profound lessons for life, and Teletherapy is a treatment which has been called a “balm to the soul.”1 The messages every show contains are powerful reflections of human social and cultural reality. You can learn just about anything you want. You can gain insight into every imaginable topic. You can overcome any problem you have with the proper use of television. If only you will try. Shed your stubborn inhibitions. Be the person you are intended to become! Chin up! Remember, today is the first day of the rest of your life! So turn on the Television set!
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