Monday, Hershey, Pennsylvania

The impact of the nation’s economic slow down are felt everywhere. From the obvious pressures of gas prices and the mortgage crisis, virtually every business is feeling the pinch. And this month even Starbucks has announced that it is closing 600 stores around the country! I didn’t see that coming.

Starbucks coffees are a daily staple for millions of Americans. Has consumption dropped so precipitously that this many stores have tanked!? What are the devoted Starbuckians doing to satisfy their coffee fix if they have opted out of their costly ritual? Does this mean that many have returned to their former humble haunts like Dunkin’ Donuts or - shut my mouth - gas station java? Talk about a painful adjustment! The radiating effects of such a change will be felt in every corner of the sacrificer’s life.

It is likely that many Starbucks aficionados, now denied their daily cup of venti soy hazelnut vanilla cinnamon white mocha with extra caramel, will suffer significant emotional and physical withdrawal symptoms. The slide down the java ladder to cheap consumer coffee is sure to alter their sleep habits and gastrointestinal routines. And these disturbances are sure to have a further impact on their mood. Their families and co-workers will feel the mounting frustration and irritation caused by their soy loss. Relationship balances will be unhinged and profit margins squeezed! The Starbucks crisis will have a domino effect that can lead to social chaos and global ruination.

Oh the humanity!

Restlessness - Sitting down has become so uncomfortable that you change careers to one where you can stand all the time, e.g., toll collector

Nervousness - Small, insignificant noises cause you to experience intense anxiety, e.g., opening a paper grocery bag

Excitement - Your voice volume has become so elevated that people lean backward when listening to you

Insomnia - Even though you have excellent hygiene, you find that you only need to launder your bedding twice a year

Flushed Face - You no longer need makeup & several friends have inquired about your drinking

Diuresis - You must carry a glass jar with you at all times

Gastrointestinal Disturbance - Your pets no longer desire to sit near you in the evening

Muscle Twitching - Even though you feel you are sitting still, others constantly assume that you are motioning to them

Rambling Flow of Thought & Speech - Your computer speech recognition program consistently crashes

Tachycardia or Cardiac Arrhythmia - Your normal heartbeat is now visible to others through your clothing

Periods of Inexhaustibility - You regularly complete your annual work goals before February 15th

Psychomotor Agitation - You are never, not cracking your knuckles