Thursday, West Lafayette, Indiana

Dr. Gunnar Ollsen is a senior research fellow at the Teletherapy Institute in Fowler, Indiana. He was born in Holland and emigrated to the U.S. as a teenager. He became addicted to television, typically devoting over one hundred hours each week to watching. Sent by his parents to counseling, he then developed a reaction formation and became committed to spreading the idea that television is destroying American civilization. He now devotes his life to the science of Teletherapy - the study of hidden meanings in television programs. He sent the following to me:

(CAUTION: Some of the writing below shows signs of incoherent rambling and may indicate a decompensation or even a psychotic break on the part of Dr. Ollsen. Pick out only what is helpful for you)

Dr. Will,

As you know I am often the victim of stalking. These are crazed fans desperate to learn from me how to find healing through television. In one recent encounter at a local food store an individual (let’s call her Phyllis Dirkson of Panama City, Florida) assaulted me with bag of croutons rolled up in her fist.

As I lay there twitching on the floor of the bread aisle, she said to me, “clearly I am disturbed. My question is, did television do this to me?”  I asked her to sit next to me on the floor and said I would offer my insight. Before long there were a dozen other shoppers sitting around me as I lectured. Here are my insights:

The question before us is, "has Your TV Viewing Made You Psychotic?"

As we begin our study of the special problems associated with extreme craziness, perhaps you are not sure if you or someone you know might be cracked. Take this quick test to assess your sanity. (Remember, answering yes is not good news, but lying will not help you. In fact, if you lie by answering any of these questions “no,” this means you are probably a pathological liar, and this can be as problematic as psychosis.)

1. While watching television, do your thoughts wander to topics completely unrelated to the content of the program? (For instance, while watching “Law & Order” you begin reflecting on origami, even though you have no history of contact with the art of paper folding)

2. Have you ever heard messages relating to the government coming through your television set during talk show? Were they encrypted, and, if so, were you able to understand the code? Have you made a call to the authorities reporting these messages?

3. Have you ever gone on a trip using plastic trash bags as luggage? Have you ever made a rain suit from a plastic trash bag? If so, have you ever saved it for reuse at another time? Do you believe this is what Wolf Blitzer would want you to do?

4. Have you ever torn the “Do not remove” tag from a mattress and lost sleep or appetite, or experienced any other anxiety related digestive symptoms concerning your probable arrest?

5. Do you pay close attention to the dialogue on crime dramas listening for references to yourself or members of your family?

The Chaos Inside

For those readers who have not yet been in therapy, and who have never become familiar with the basics of psychology, I must share a painful truth with you. As a human being, I know that you have been plagued by periodic doubts about your sanity. You have certainly had those nagging suspicions that there might be something seriously wrong with you. I can now confirm that your suspicions are correct. There is something wrong with you. But there is also something wrong with each one of us. We are ALL filled with the capacity for comprehensive derangement.

Why? Because buried inside each of us is a reservoir of unformed, unprocessed impulses, fantasies, and habits which are untamed and always pressing to get out. And there are no exceptions. Think about the most saintly individual imaginable; think about the Dalai Lama. This may stun you, but even Dalai has this smoldering cauldron of intense feelings which could potentially drive him to acts too horrible to contemplate.

Bring the picture of Dalai to mind as he helps a poor suffering innocent understand the meaning of life and the way to happiness. This is the holy path he chose, and the world is humbled and gratified. But as a human being he holds the potential to crack and take a decidedly different direction in his life. Should he ever cave in and surrender to his baser instincts, we would be introduced to another side of this saintly individual.

Try to picture him as an ordinary man, say as “Barry Lama.” Instead of the spiritual icon he us now, you see an unbalanced, antisocial elderly man who has a penchant for spitting and back-handing rude cab drivers.

Sound impossible? The truth is, this is a possible reality. If you don’t believe me, ask Dalai yourself. He’ll be the first to tell you he is a fallible, human “sinner.”

So perhaps you should get off your high horse and recognize that you are inches away from full blown loopiness. A carefully prescribed regimen of therapeutic television watching is your only hope.

Don’t blow it!

Have an awesome day!

Gunnar