Friday, New York City, New York

Coming to New York City to speak is always a delightful trip home. I was born in Brooklyn, raised on Long Island and have lived in Queens, Bergen County, New Jersey and finally in Manhattan. I have experienced just about every New York living experience. Now Sally and I live in Indiana and surely miss the City and its life. Part of us longs to return. But when I reflect on exactly what we miss it really comes down to a few discreet elements.

Anyone who has experienced life in a large city refers to the dynamism and energy that is felt all the time. New York is alive every hour of the day. We learned to sleep through the blare of fire engine sirens ten floors below that could wake the dead in Indiana. We enjoyed the dilemma of deciding which outstanding restaurant to select for dinner; there were dozens within two blocks of our home on 69th Street. As congested as the streets are, we were rarely affected since we used the subways and cabs available any time outside our door. We could get to a Broadway show ten minutes after leaving our building. It was all delightful.

If I concentrate on these things, the contrast to our life in Lafayette, Indiana simply pales. We have a scant selection of good, chef owned restaurants. Anything I need means driving and then within a limited number of hours for certain items. The energy is low and the pace is slow. It’s not New York, Chicago, Los Angeles of Miami. It’s not San Francisco, Boston or Philadelphia. It has little of what those great places have to offer, and there are certainly times we lament the choice.

However, a week in Los Angeles and New York City brings some other realities to mind. The energy on the street is muted, but in the quiet we sleep better. My house is not in walking distance to much, but it cost us less than a third of our homes in New York and so we travel a lot more. The rise of mega stores that has spread to virtually every town in America means that I really can get almost anything I need at anytime.

Yes, I do have to drive but there is virtually no traffic congestion. And as for the restaurants, that remains a disappointment. But we have both started to cook more at home and it has changed our social engagement with neighbors and friends.

In therapy we use the term “reframing” to encourage individuals to look at a challenging life situation from a different angle - to see opportunities where they are fixed on losses. As a native New Yorker moving to Indiana brought a lot of changes that I did not like. But when I reframed the situation I see the delightful quality of my present lifestyle and no longer miss daily life in New York, even as we enjoy periodic visits to walk around, shop and eat.

Oh yeah…and golf on a beautiful, Hale Irwin designed course is $40 with a cart on Saturday - no waiting.

Thursday, New York City, New York

Here’s a letter from a devoted reader:

Dr. Will, I am very frustrated at my job. I keep getting passed over for promotions and perks by Larry - a major jerk. But he kisses up to Mr. Melman, my boss and gets all the bling. I hate him. Am I going insane?
Thanks for the help,

Louis J

Dear Louis,

No you are not insane (at least based on your letter). It sounds like you are being pushed to the side by someone bolder and more confident than you. Where is it written that you are the doormat? What does this other guy have that you don’t have. Before you answer, take stock.

YOU TOO ARE VALUABLE and deserve a seat at the head table. Your problem may be a lack of assertiveness. You would do well to cultivate more confidence in yourself - to step out more boldly on your own behalf. You can compete with Barry. See the suggestions below.

Want to go toe-to-toe with a narcissist? Then follow Dr. Will Keys to Assertiveness: Follow Dr. Will’s easy to understand system for assertiveness. It’s an easy four step process. Just remember the word LEAD!

L anguage
E xpression
A ttitude
D ress

LANGUAGE - Assertive starts with the voice. Try these strategies:

1. Practice speaking louder. record yourself at different volumes and see which one affects your dog or cat, for instance. A booming voice makes others recoil!

2. Learn the art of muttering sarcastically under your breath when listening to your rival. Audible phrases like, “yeah right” and “well, duh!” can serve to demoralize others.

3. Learn to include phrases of confidence in your everyday speech. Every retort should include expressions such as “No, actually the research shows …” and than make something up. Others include “Well, the thing about that …” or smiling and offering this: “Your name came up at lunch last week with (insert senior executive’s name here). I probably shouldn’t divulge anything…”

EXPRESSION - You will never succeed until you learn to communicate power with your face & body language. Try these approaches:

1. Take an acting class to learn how to vividly express disgust, bemusement and mocking disbelieve whenever listening to the presentation of a rival.

2. Practice making derogatory expressions behind the back of a rival and then instantly dropping the face when they turn around to react to the laughter.

3. Video tape yourself at home matching your newly emboldened voice with appropriate facial expressions to convey full intimidating power

ATTITUDE - Assertiveness really begins with a change inside yourself. You must become convinced internally that YOU are the leader, YOU are in charge and that other better get out of the way or you will steamroll them into the tar of the highway of success. See if these ideas don’t help:

1. While at home, watch the movie Patton and pretend you are a General in charge of all the others. Memorize his speeches and deliver them in front of a mirror in costume.

2. Volunteer at a local hospital working with people down on their luck. You will be doing something moral while at the same time learning the feeling of superiority over others.

3. Consult the psychiatric literature about the illness of narcissism, practice its symptoms at home and debut them at work.

DRESS - Do you want to lead? Then you must look the part. Here are some well established guidelines:

1. Choose a power color - like red - and wear an ensemble to work that is entirely fire engine red

2. Have a front tooth embossed with your initial in gold

3. Demonstrate your superior confidence by periodically wearing something unique and bold. Try wearing lederhosen on casual Friday or wooden shoes at a staff conference.

If these strategies fail to throw your rival under the bus, you might need to face the reality that the problem is with you and you will never prevail. Consider relocating to an area that is less competitive and more desolute than where you presently live.

Good luck!

Wednesday, Los Angeles, California

For the political junkies out there, as well as any citizen following this dynamic presidential election, it is certainly the most interesting we have had in years. Not since the bizarre election of 2000 between President Bush and Al Gore, with the handing chads and the supreme Court intervention, has the event an election with his many twists and turns.

As each party inches closer to identifying their candidates, one of the main issues revolves around the experience of the candidates. And for the three left standing as of now, it would seem that Hillary Clinton and John McCain have significantly stronger credentials then the upstart Barack Obama. There is no question that Obama’s resume cannot compare to that of his rivals. But on reflection, I wonder what that really means?

When I think about the work of legislators, the individuals elected to office nationally or in their state, it certainly seems that an awareness of how to bring an idea to enactment in law is an important skill. This is why they surround themselves with researchers and other skilled aides who help negotiate the necessary compromises to make their term effective. But when it comes to the office of the President of the United States, I wonder how much that really matters?

From where I sit as a citizen, it appears that the president’s main job is to be the voice for the nation. In reflecting the values and priorities of the party and the people that swept them into their office, the President’s job this to be, in Teddy Roosevelt’s famous phrase, the “Bully Pulpit.”

In reality, it is the work of a President’s staff of the president to translate the ideas and commitments of the campaign into the administration’s policy and law. The president needs to be knowledgeable, of course, and articulate the policies of the nation to the world on our behalf. If this assessment of the office is valid, then it seems to me that the strategy taken by Clinton and McCain attacking Obama’s inexperience is not likely to stick. Their criticism that he is all rhetoric and little substance is not the slander that they think it is; it is not a criticism that has much weight. In fact, it might be that Obama’s capacity for elevated rhetoric, and inspiration is exactly what is most effective in that office.

Of course on the matter of experience, I am reminded of the worry that surrounded President John Kennedy, who also was a young, inspirational and charismatic figure. In David Halbertam’s Pulitzer Prize winning book, “The Best and the Brightest,” he detailed Kennedy’s early decisions upon his election to surround himself with the best minds he could possibly find from around the country. History will judge better than me, of course whether these great minds served him well or not. But at the time this instinct to surround himself with notable human resources went a long way toward reassuring people that he was up to the job.

It seems to me that this is the same challenge for Barack Obama’s. If he is elected the true test about his experience, or lack of experience will come with his appointments, with his advisers.

If there is a reason to reject Barack Obama’s, I’m not sure the charge of youth and limited experience will do it.

Tuesday, Los Angeles, California

Murder She Wrote was an enduring hit television classic that ran for twelve seasons (1984-1996). Veteran movie actress Angela Lansbury starred in the show, playing a widow, Jessica Fletcher who lives in a small, bucolic Maine town. She becomes a successful mystery writer in her retirement and soon an amateur detective. And in each episode she became entangled in yet another spectacular murder investigation. And in every case she is the one investigator who cracks the case, often against the instincts of the law enforcement professionals.

What became curious and darkly humorous to viewers was the staggering number of murder investigations this sweet little lady became entangled in over a dozen years. How many murders did Jessica Fletcher stumble upon? One estimate is that there were 800 murders in her home ton of Cabot Cove alone during the dozen years that Jessica lived there. That is essentially 50% of the entire town that was victims of murder! And Jessica was able to solve every one of them.

It begs the question, might not the first suspicion be on Ms. Fletcher herself as a serial killer?
What strained credulity is that, unlike her European sleuth counterparts like Sherlock Holmes, Hurcule Poirot and Miss marple who were actively sought out as crime investigators, Jessica seemed to happen upon the murders without expecting to or to become involved. Yet there she was every week, fully engaged in a murder that the police either could not solve or had come to the wrong conclusion.

Why We Watch

Jessica’s sweet, matronly demeanor seemed to sanitize and defang the brutal ugliness of human depravity and homicide. She enabled us to view stories rooted in the most base human behavior but in a way that was scrubbed and gloved for Sunday service. She also brings a vivd contrast between the good and the evil in humanity.

By coming to know and care about sweet little Jessica, it helps us reject the cruelty and meanness of violence. She gently shakes her head in disapproval of the jealousies and hurt feelings that lead some to act out in aggression. If there is one sound that describes Jessica Fletcher’s reaction to human depravity, it would be the simple tsk, tsk!

Monday, Los Angeles, California

1. Several of the commercials used inappropriate passion & misplaced melodrama to sell their product. For instance, what was GMC thinking using an illusion to the Myth of Sisyphus promoting their SUV? Huh?

2. Is no one close enough to John Travolta to tell him the truth about how absurd his hair looks? It looks like it is painted on his scalp. Spend some money and get a good do!

3. Although he is a unique and wonderful actor, sitting in the audience Johnny Depp looked like he was wearing the fake nose and glasses.

4. I am already dreading the inevitable demise & disappearance of the legend that is Jack Nicholson.

5. My advice to high school students is to pay more heed & give more love to the nerds in your school. Seeing the Cohen Brothers should remind you that eventually, it is the geeks roaming the corridors, the ones you often harass, who eventually rule your world.

6. Violence & murder ruled the awards - both domestic and foreign. It is perhaps because we’re so powerless in the face of those who use aggression that these stories give us vicarious fascination with power.

7. John Stewart found the right balance between respect for the industry & its traditions with his trademark comedic wit. It was somewhat surprising that he resisted politics.

8. Small films rule! With the breath taking advances in recording technologies, available to consumers, can you imagine what’s coming to screens in the next decade? The YouTube phenomenon may be yet in its infancy, but there are thousands of emerging artists with wonderful things to offer on screen.

9. Daniel Day Lewis, winner for There Will Be Blood is so elegant and humble, it is a vivid contrast to his stunningly intense characters portrayed on screen.

10. While the shenanigans of many celebrities - and the idiots who stalk them with cameras - are often revolting, the art that is created onscreen by the teams of writers, producers, actors & crew make profound statements about humanity and our struggles. I may get impatient with spoiled personalities but the artistry of films is awesome. But there remains an imbalance, with too much focus and money spent on actors. Far too little is offered to the other geniuses who create, edit and stream the content that appears on the screen.

My media computer crashed (over heated!!).

Monday, Los Angeles, California

I must stop and pay tribute to my beautiful niece Lindsay. She left her job as a professional in Indiana and is in Haiti working as a teacher in a village school.

Her blog will give you all you need to know about this remarkable young woman who has chosen to leave her comfortable life and career in the MidWest to serve the poorest of the poor. She is a stunning young woman of surpassing character and we are simply awed by her character and devotion.

The encounters she has had are uplifting and often simply heartbreaking. She inspires me to stop and reflect on the blessings of my life.

Read her blog and see her photos of life in this desperately poor place and reflect on your own blessings. What are we doing with our lives that matter? To whom are we giving?

See Here

Friday, Chicago, Illinois

Among the assignments that I give to the students in my class at Purdue, includes watching a documentary whose purpose is to persuade people. One of the obvious choices, of course, is Al Gore’s award winning “An Inconvenient Truth.” The film is quite a simple production really. It’s a recording of a Power Point presentation that Mr. Gore gives to an audience, making his case that the earth, in his words, “has a fever.” It is Exhibit A in the modern case that Global Warming is real and dangerous. His statistics are impressive; the case he makes is very persuasive. But of course we’re well aware that there are many skeptics who utterly reject his proposition that we are dead meat in a few decades.

As a casual observer, without personal scientific knowledge, I can only observe what is happening around me. Although I should add that, compared to the average citizen, I do travel around the country a great deal. This coming week, for example, I will be in Denver, Los Angeles, New York City, and Des Moines, Iowa within a span of five days. And since I’ve always struggled with anxiety about flying, you can be sure I will be looking out my window at the weather systems blowing across the country.

Here in the Midwest our winter has than anything but warming. In fact, we’ve had six inches more snow for this month so far than is normal. It’s 7 degrees as I sit here. Making matters worse, there have been record-setting, devastating floods swamping dozens of communities throughout the Midwest. In our community, the city golf course still sits under several feet of water! And of course who knows what’s coming next?

If I came away from Al Gore’s presentation persuaded about anything, it is that the climate is unnervingly unstable. Whether the globe is warming, cooling, or naturally cycling between the extremes, I know this: I am ever reminded that we are at its mercy. I try to do my part to lessen my a footprint on the earth. But it seems like so small an impact.

This capacity of human effort is just staggering. Today people on a ship at sea fired a missile that hit a fast moving target reentering the atmosphere. The target was a communications satellite that some other people sent up some years ago. Do I really take such things casually? Am I that blase about human beings constructing an orbiting space station? Do I take for granted that human beings have enabled me to sit in my house and communicate on the Internet? It’s mind-boggling and I really don’t want to lose my fascination with what we are able to do.

However…

All these accomplishments, as well as my very existence, can be wiped out in seconds by an earthquake, tornado or, more pathetically, by human caprice and stupidity that pollutes nature and uses its resources for cruelty, hatred and violence, and in the name of God no less! And it is this last reality that is the true inconvenient truth!

Wednesday, West Lafayette, Indiana

The CBS drama Without A Trace continues to draw a large audience of viewers. What is behind the strong appeal of this program? Why are we enamored with stories of people who are lost and the endeavor of the F.B.I. to find them.

Mental health professionals generally agree that in the modern age we struggle with issues of personal identity. A major contributor to this phenomenon is in the very nature of our commpn, or popular culture. Some societies are considered “collectivistic” while others are more “individualistic.” Guess where we fall? Of course we are a culture that celebrates the self.

So . . .

What happens when we come to believe that our self isn’t significant? What do we do when we feel like we don’t matter to anyone? What happens when we are lost? And not just lost, but we are lost without any trace of our existence. We are invisible.

In the midst of such a dilemma we know deep down that we do in fact exist. But how can we be found? Sometimes we cannot make ourselves known; we must be found by someone else. And this must be someone else who cares about us. We need FBI agent Jack Malone.

Agent Malone is exactly who you want on the trail to find out where you have gone. He is determined and relentless. He will not give up until you are found. He is a hound after your scent.

In the meantime, while you wait for your own Jack Malone to find you, you can help the endeavor by making your presence and identity clearer to the world around you.

1. Evaluate your wardrobe and try wearing brighter clothing

2. Spend some time on Internet chat rooms sharing personal information with others

3. Whenever you go out, leave a note on your kitchen table describing where you are going

4. Cultivate a personal relationship with a member of your local police force

5. Wear a strong, uncommon cologne

6. Keep a global positioning system device with you at all times

7. Wherever you go keep a high strung, barking dog with you

8. Puncture your car’s muffler

9. Post the names & photos of your enemies on the web with descriptions of your conflict

10. Whenever you break off a relationship immediately secure a restraining order against them

Wednesday, Lafayette, Indiana

Research has shown that Americans lead the developed world in stress related disorders. We have shocking rates of depression and anxiety, even when compared to other developed countries. In fact, a full 25% of Americans have a diagnosable, stress related psychological disorder. Here we are, leaders in the quality of our daily lifestyle, economic and military power, educational opportunity and yet we struggle with our mood. Hmm!

Well, what do we do with this predicament? Research also confirms that the most effective strategy for overcoming psychological problems, such as depression or anxiety is to use a combination of mood medication along with talk therapy. But many individuals suffering from depression or anxiety become squeamish about one or the other of these options. Some are intensely resistant to the idea of taking a drug for their mood instability while others are reluctant to engage in the process of psychotherapy. Consequently many sufferers try to cope with less than ideal treatment.

No matter how much public awareness is raised about depression and anxiety as biological illnesses; regardless of the information readily available about effective treatment options, there remains a social stigma about these difficulties as “mental illness.” Such stigma raises fears about being labeled, ostracized and tainted. And frequently those suffering opt to resist getting the full treatment they need for fear of discrimination.

Of the two strategies for treating depression the science behind the medications is of course quite persuasive and reassuring. Less so is the efficacy of talk therapy. Many anxious or depressed people tend to dismiss the potential of psychotherapy because on its face it appears to be casual and with limited substance.

The fact is that an ongoing process of speaking with an empathic person about our daily struggles of life is enormously helpful. Whether this is a caring family member or a professional therapist there is relief to be had in sharing our life and its issues.

Recently many people have been using the Internet as a resource for psychological help. There are therapists available to treat you online. Regardless of where you seek help, there is no reason to suffer alone with the pain of mood instability. Get the help you need; it’s nearby.

Assuming you are a good candidate for online counseling how can you tell if your online therapist is ethical and qualified?

Look for these signs:

1. When you inquire about your therapist’s credentials his response is "what does that matter?"

2. The therapist’s biography mentions that he works part-time as a nightclub ventriloquist.

3. The educational background of your counselor just says “The School of Hard Knocks.”

4. In response to your description of a panic attack, the therapist recommends a glass of bourbon.

5. After offering an illustration of what triggers your depression, the therapist responds with “LOL.”

6. After two online sessions, your therapist shows up at your house.

7. After two months of treatment you discover that the therapist has been secretly emailing your mother.

8. Your therapist suggests a video chat session and when he appears on screen he has a mohawk haircut and tiny, decaying teeth.

9. To pay for treatment your counselor insists on money orders sent to an address in Uganda.

10. The therapist suggests that you prepare for a marital confrontation by role playing the event with a finger puppet he sells you.