Wednesday, Lafayette, Indiana

Jake Inkman has been a freelance journalist for 30 years. He was treated by Dr. Will for 8 years for depression which before long spun out of control into an anxiety disorder. He lives in a Motor Home and reports to major news organizations. Although he has not yet been formally published he claims to be the source of inside information that, in his words, “other, so called journalists steal from me and put their own name on it!” Here is his recent report to me:

 

The Inkman Report
This Week’s Washington News Roundup

The big buzz this week is the new report claiming that Iran suspended its nuclear weapons program a few years ago despite the dire warnings and threats from the administration. I was so eager to get the inside scoop that I contacted “Deep Bowel,” my inside source on the cleaning staff at the White House. As always his information is always reliable since he is up close and personal. We met secretly behind a Burger King in Alexandria. While he chain smoked his clove cigarettes I furiously took notes. I believe they are reasonable accurate.

So here is what I learned:

ITEM 1: When the news broke that the intelligence report was letting Iran off the hook Vice President Cheney broke out in a run (followed by his worried personal nurse) and stormed into the Oval Office. Shaking and weeping with rage, he demanded to know who was responsible. The President looked up and chuckled as a secret service agent intercepted and head butted Cheney before he could reach the desk. It was at that moment that my source DB had entered the office with donuts and saw the President patting the VP on the back and smirking to the agents who were all stifling laughs.

ITEM 2: There was quite a scene when former Vice President and spurned candidate Al Gore visited the White House being honored for his Nobel Peace Prize. Word has it that as he was walking down the hallways Mr. Gore would reach down every time he passed a wall outlet and unplug lamps. He also was followed by an aide carrying a box and at Mr. Gore’s request exchanged the traditional light bulbs with low wattage bulbs. Later that day the President, unaware of what Gore had done, complained that he needed to get his eyes checked because “suddenly everything looks dim.”

ITEM 3: Finally, DB reports that every Saturday morning the President meets with a professor from Georgetown behind closed doors and practices his pronunciation. Last week he heard through the door the President trying to say “nuclear.”
The professor prompts him, "no, sir, watch my lips: ‘noo - cleee - er.’ Now you try it again"
And as it continues to come out as “nuculer,” after which Mr Bush usually swears, “dammit!”

Well that’s it from here. I will be traveling to Iowa this week and, God willing, can get some new scoops on the white hot primary races. I believe I have an inside soucre with the CLinton campaign, a private investigator hired by Chelsea to watch her father.

Have a good day and stay tuned!

Jake