Monday, Indianapolis, Indiana

With the Thanksgiving holidays over, we turn quickly to face the next onslaught of sales and family togetherness with the Christmas holiday. For many people this period from mid November through New Years is an emotional roller coaster from the warm joy of family memory and the frigid chill of family memory. For millions the holidays include visits with family that recall experiences both painful and joyful.

Part of the problem psychologically is the emotional challenge to reconcile our desire to be independent with the continuing need to be taken care of by our parents. We all hold onto a fantasy of remaining dependent, especially given the stress on us to be self sufficient.

So it is normal to desire that someone take care of us. Each of us wants nurturing. We must find the balance between stepping up and taking care of ourselves and having the courage to trust others. However, when this need to depend on another for your emotional well being, it can become a significant psychological problem See if the description below sounds familiar.

Symptoms: A pervasive and excessive need to be taken care of that leads to submissive behavior and fears of separation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Has difficulty making everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others:
– You have left a restaurant without eating because of your inability to choose between white and rye bread
– You spend at least seven hours a week on the telephone with technical support for minor software problems
– You have a recurring nightmare where you are having to work as an umpire

2. Needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of his or her life:
– When shopping for clothing on your own you always purchase the exact outfits you see on the store mannequins
– When interacting with your pet, you often ask questions and seek advice
– You have developed an intense reliance on a phone psychic

3. Has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval:
– When another driver makes an obscene gesture your way, you’re willing to drive 200 miles out of your way to avoid a confrontation
– You have participated in seceral failed business ventures with a relative who is often hospitalized with mental illness
– When asked a routine question by a police officer, you confess to a crime you did not commit

4. Goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant:
– Whenever you see a woman who looks like your mother, you must resist a powerful urge to sit on her lap
– You sometimes speak to authority figures using a baby voice
– You own a dozen cats

5. Urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends:
– The day of your mother’s death, you move in with your her sister
– Within two months of each of your divorces you meet and marry someone that bears a striking resemblance to your ex-spouse
– Using phony credentials you arrange to move into a full service senior citizen complex when you are 35-years-old

6. Is unrealistically preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of himself or herself:
– When members of your family leave for work, you cling to their clothing until they forcibly remove your hands.
– In anticipation of being abandoned you have arranged credentials to assume a new identity with plans to move into the home of a alleged relative.
– Although you are not a believer, you have sent for brochures inquiring about joining a religious commune upon the death of your caretaker.