Thursday, Cincinnati, Ohio

Dr. Edith Munch is a psychiatrist from New York City who testified on behalf of Dr. Will when a patient sued for malpractice. He had charged Will with using secret hypnotic techniques to make him shoplift at Walmart. Dr. Munch’s testimony cleared Dr. Will and charged him fifty thousand dollars for her assistance. He has been paying her off in installments for fourteen years. She has authored four books on feng shui and the psychology of cabinetry. She has been a technical advisor to the Maury Povich Show and is a certified tool & dye maker. She often writes to Dr. Will about issues in psychiatry.

Will,

As you know I rarely agree to see patients anymore. After so many years of their yakking I just had enough. You know my motto these days, "I will medicate but I will not ruminate." But I sometimes get roped into a clinical situation and always regret it. The latest is my sister Marie’s butt head twenty year old son, Alan. She calls me up and says he is losing it and I must help him.

So I agree and she’s right, the kid’s seriously buggers. I said hello and he began sweating profusely. I realize he is in the middle of a panic attack. After calming him down I asked what got him upset and he tells me that he suspects Marie’s new boyfriend is a terrorist. Say what!?

Yeah he was arrested by the FBI and hasn’t been seen since. Although I said the right things to him professionally, by the end of the session he actually had me nearly panicking about how vulnerable we are to lunatics bent on killing us. He left and I had a panic attack. Can you imagine?

In the interests of our readers I thought you should define panic disorder and its symptoms. Here is my two cents:

Panic Disorder. Can you relate to these symptoms:

Panic is a discrete period of intense fear or discomfort, in which four or more of the following symptoms develop abruptly and reach a peak within ten minutes:

1. Palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate:

– Your heart rate is so fast, rabbits approach you without fear.
– You can only tolerate listening to music whose percussion is in time with your heartbeat.

2. Sweating:

– After exercising at the gym, the staff must mop up your areas.
– You must launder your clothing at least twice each day.

3. Trembling or Shaking:

– In order to focus your eyes to read, you must lean against a solid object.
– Unbeknownst to those you meet, your vigorous handshake requires no energy on your part.

4. Sensations of shortness of breath or smothering:

– You can only fall asleep without covers.
– When listening to your breathing through the phone, others suspect that your dog is nearby.

5. Fears of choking:

– You are terrified of eating chicken or fish.
– Activities such as scratching your face or trying to apply lipstick triggers your gag response.

6. Feeling dizzy, unsteady, lightheaded, or faint:

– Even while standing perfectly still. You weave from side to side.
– You pass out into unconsciousness at least seven times each week.

7. Derealization (feelings of unreality) or depersonalization (being detached from oneself):

– You don’t always really know it’s you in the mirror.
– You often have a strong desire to step aside away from yourself.

8. Fear of losing control or going crazy:

– You only feel completely secure when you are physically attached to a solid object or another person.
– Even though you do not have panic disorder, this test is causing you to develop the illness.

9. Fear of dying:

– Your funeral arrangements have been made and prepaid since you were 20 years old.
– You spend every free moment of spare time sitting still in a chair in your basement.

10. Paresthesias (numbness or tingling sensation):

– In order to lift something, you must look at your hand to insure that it is really grasping.
– Every few minutes you make a little jump and cry "Wooo."