Wednesday, Fort Wayne, Indiana

Dr. Gunnar Ollsen is a senior research fellow at the Teletherapy Institute in Fowler Indiana. He was born in Holland and emigrated to the U.S. as a teenager. He became addicted to television, typically devoting over one hundred hours each week to watching. Sent by his parents to counseling, he then developed a reaction formation and became committed to spreading the idea that television is destroying American civilization. He now devotes his life to the science of Teletherapy - the study of hidden meanings in television programs. He sent this note to me:

Dr. Will,

Lately I have been asked to define what it means to be normal. So, based on my extensive study of television I believe I am more than qualified to answer. Here are some ideas:

The fundamental characteristic of understanding your family’s dysfunction is how aware you are of what is considered normal. To begin, take this test:

Normal Family: While sitting around the dinner table, they discuss a news story about a crime in their community
Abnormal Family: While sitting around the dinner table, they discuss bail issues for their family member who was involved in a crime in their community

Normal Family: The parents are consistently and actively involved in school activities
Abnormal Family: The parents are consistently and actively suing the local schools

Normal Family: At a concert, family members scan and appreciate the skill of all the participating musicians
Abnormal Family: At a concert, at least one member of the family becomes erotically transfixed by the nail polish of the Oboe player

Normal Family: Over the years, the family has accumulated a wide variety of memories and stories about family vacations
Abnormal Family: Over the years have accumulated a wide variety of memories and stories about family vacations which include at least eleven instances of members vomiting alcohol in a public place

Normal Family: Drops money into the collection plate at church on Sunday
Abnormal Family: Makes change from the collection plate at church on Sunday

Normal Family: Punishes their child for their misbehavior at school
Abnormal Family: Sues the school for punishing their child

Normal Family: Spends time training their new dog to be friendly to visitors
Abnormal Family: Spends time training their new dog to attack

One reliable method for determining whether you are normal or abnormal is to use an example of your art work. By analyzing how you draw another individual, the scientists can ascertain your mental health. Try this exercise:

On a clean sheet of paper, and using a crisply sharpened pencil with thick lead, draw a stick figure picture of your father, your mother, and your oldest sister (if you do not have a sister, imagine you did and draw her). Do not use the real life individuals as models, or even photographs. Draw from memory and your own unconscious. Draw rapidly and without thinking. Don’t try to trick or out-think the scientists. It never works and they can tell when you have tried to cheat. This will reflect badly on your score.

Do not edit or revise the picture. But immediately send it to the staff at the Nick-at-Nite Personality Institute in Jonesborough, Tennessee. The results will be mailed to you within 7-10 weeks. Good luck!