Thursday, Lafayette, Indiana

Vern Woodley is a fifth generation bee keeper from Sacramento, California. He was in therapy with Dr. Will after his family business went belly up when his hives failed and he was blamed. He now teaches apiology (that’s the study of bees) at a community college and privately breeds a strain of aggressive attack bees in his yard.

Hey Dr. Will,

I read with interest the awarding of the Nobel Peace Prize to Al Gore for his work on alerting the world about the Global Warming crisis. And while I admire him for sounding the alarm, I must say that anyone in the agriculture business did not need the Vice President to tell them something was going on with the weather. The farmers, ranchers and bee keepers have known for a long time that something was happening.

The signs of climate change are everywhere, from the drowning polar bears to our clammy clothing. For the first time ever, my bees are continually flying into napkins and I suspect that it’s because they are perspiring! And my neighbor’s cows have lost 40% of their body weight because of the heat. And, get this, on a recent Alaskan cruise my sister Ella claims she only needed a light sweater. Say whaa!??

Well, what are we going to do about this? Surely more than just give out awards. No, action must be taken immediately. Here’s my five point plan to beat back the killer effects of Global Warming:

1. Prison for lawn waterers
2. Mandatory worldwide curtains for every window to keep indoor temperatures stable
3. Electroshock therapy for anyone driving a Hummer
4. Two minute timers on all sink faucets in the world
5. Swarms of attack bees let loose on polluters

I believe if we followed these simple steps we would slow the warming process enough to give our scientists time to solve the problem by designing a global dome or some other practical device to shield us from nature. If you are not convinced about these measures, maybe you have some idea s of your own. If so, well spit it out!

- My cousin Larry, a farmer in Maine, was able to successfully grow a rubber tree

- This year my tomatoes average three pounds apiece

- I often see butterflies in my yard in January

- Virtually every shirt I own has holes in the armpits

- It took six weeks for the paint on my house to dry

- My fingernails now grow at twice the rate as before

- My dogs sleep an average of 18 hours a day

- For the past two years my underarm deodorant is no longer effective

- When I walk through my living room the rug makes a squishing sound

- When I shower I usually have to scrub moss off my skin