Wednesday, Lafayette, Indiana

Chubby Checker (who was indeed chubby) became a national sensation when his song and dance topped the charts on this day in 1960. "The Twist" remains among the most successful singles in music history staying on the charts for almost six weeks. The wonderful thing about the dance was that anyone could do a competent rendition of it. It was like the Macarena without the elaborate choreography.

The year of The Twist 1960 was an electric time of optimism in the county. Handsome, young John Kennedy was about to be elected President, Rock & Roll was taking off and the cataclysmic World War was fading in many memories. The suburbs were booming and the economy was looking bright. Many people were upbeat and hopeful.

How all of this would turn sour within just a few years with the Assassination, the Vietnam War and the turbulence of the counter culture and it’s British music. But for this brief moment in time, Chubby Checker got the country up and dancing to a tune that anyone from the tenor to the tone deaf could sing and dance to without any problems.

Watch Chubby lip sync on television. And for Pete’s sake, gather the kids, stand up and join him doing the dance. It will be a great few minutes for all of you!

And then treat yourself for a few minutes and watch the hilarious Macarena video.

No matter what’s troubling you today, get up and twist away your problems.

I’m twisting right now!

Tuesday, Lafayette, Indiana

After scanning through this journal since it began the word narcissism appears nine times. This should not be surprising since every therapist encounters individuals who are narcissistic and struggle with how to treat them. The disorder also comes up quite frequently since many people in the public eye - the famous and the infamous - are florid narcissists. This week is no exception, of course with the story of one of our most disturbed narcissists, O.J. Simpson.

Under arrest for his clownish, albeit dangerous escapade in Las Vegas this past weekend, Simpson. chose to settle a property matter the way narcissists always do - with absurdly poor judgement. It will be very interesting to see if he can escape this latest claim on his personal responsibility. If he is finally cornered how will he react? It might help to understand the pathology of narcissism.

We hear the term narcissism spoken freely in the society these days but often people misapply the term. There is a distinct difference between self-involvement - selfishness, if you will - and a full blown narcissistic personality. In the era of obsession with building and protecting self esteem, we have created a culture of young individuals with a full blown sense of unearned entitlement. Thanks to parents simply ”telling” their kids how great they are, instead of helping them become accomplished, two out of three college age students test above average for narcissistic characteristics.

What is the difference between having narcissistic tendencies (which we all have at times) and a full blown narcissistic personality? In general narcissistic people project an image of perfection that is in reality a defense against their deep insecurity. Narcissists convey grandiosity to keep others from seeing their fear and vulnerability. It is critical to them that others never see them as weak or incompetent.

And this strategy often works quite well for the person. They often become successful as a result of their grandiosity and belief in their own potential. So it is not surprising that narcissists often succeed in business, politics, entertainment celebrities, physicians and attorneys.

The down side comes when an unexpected catastrophe occurs that breaks through their illusions of self importance. When an illness, career reversal depression or ARREST interrupts their self perception the veneer of invincibility can crumble very quickly.

Indications that you are a narcissist

-Weeping at a funeral you tell a person consoling you that you’re upset that it has ruined your afternoon plans

- At a family dinner you’re forced to put back the inappropriately excess portions you took before other guests

- You always grab the best seat assuming you deserve it

- It takes you at least two hours each morning for you to groom yourself for the day

- You use the term “loser” at least several times each day describing others

- Most people you meet soon come to hate you

- Although you are often described as obnoxious, you interpret it to mean you’re strong

- Playing a board game with the family, you gloat when you win & toss the board when you lose

- At gatherings you rarely look at the person speaking but scan over them to see someone more important

- To avoid waiting in line you show up in a rented wheelchair

- At least half your annual income is derived from scamming elderly relatives

Monday, Denver, Colorado

We all know that television is replete with dysfunctional individuals and families. For example, even if you are a recent émigré from another country, and are otherwise mystified by American culture, you can instantly tell that the Bundy family has significant issues. You do not have to be a trained mental health professional to spot the Clampetts, Addams and Simpsons as families in difficulty.

But beyond these more transparent examples, Television has innumerable illustrations of more subtle dysfunction. If analyzed properly, you can see beyond the veneer of perfection of even the Brady and Partridge families, and get a glimpse of the putrid swamp festering inside. But don’t be alarmed; this is normal. “Everyone’s family has a sewer running through it.”
(Direct quote of famous Psychoanalyst Dr. Carl Rogers to his daughter-in-law Stella, while waiting in line at an A&P, Princeton, NJ, June, 1962.)

Yes, the truth is that every family, including your own, is dysfunctional. If you disagree with this assessment, don’t worry, you are just in denial, and that is also normal. Perhaps you are even becoming agitated right now as you take extreme issue with this basic Teletherapeutic truth about your family. Maybe you are experiencing facial tics, or having thoughts of violence. If so, this only proves the point. You, as a product of an evidently dysfunctional family, are unable to bear up under the strain of mere words which attack you and your kin. You are struggling to maintain your composure, feeling enraged with Teletherapy (see a definition in the entry below) as a discipline, and with me personally. All these feelings are clear symptoms of family dysfunction, and thus we have proven the point.

A dysfunctional individual is always the product of a dysfunctional family. But not every individual from a dysfunctional family is themselves dysfunctional. Thus we can conclude that every healthy person has come from a dysfunctional family. If you are unable to follow this logic, or are otherwise feeling confused, this inability to think clearly is further evidence that you are from a dysfunctional family. But whether or not you are personally dysfunctional still needs to be established.

While all families are to some degree dysfunctional, obviously the intensity varies greatly. There are two essential categories of individuals and families accepted by most mental health practitioners and their professional organizations,. These two categories are: “Normal” and “Abnormal.”

To ascertain into which category you or your family falls, there are several television-based assessment tools which can serve as guides. One of these, for example, is a short quiz that I call call “Teletherapae Extremis” (Teletherapy in Extreme Situations). It scans your television preferences while you are in a perilous or horrifying situation. The results can offer significant insight. It’s a quick test of your symptoms of dysfunction.

Answer the following three questions:

1. Imagine you are in an appliance store being held at gun point in a hostage situation. As you wait for the negotiations to conclude, which reality based show should you think about to help you to remain calm:

a) The O’Reilly Factor
b) The Jerry Springer Show
c) World Wide Wrestling

Functional Choice: World Wide Wrestling (the key to relaxing is to divert your attention away from your imminent death by focusing on others more pathetic than yourself)

Dysfunctional Choices: The O’Reilly Factor (Indicates hyper awareness of severely dysfunctional behavior patterns in the society); Jerry Springer (Could indicate codependent, self-defeating compassion for the perpetrator)

2. Imagine you are fleeing from a disgruntled co-worker and have run into a local Blockbuster to escape. As you are lying flat on the carpet in the television section, hoping the maniac will pass by outside, three DVD’s are in view. Which of these classic television shows would remind you of a life sustaining strategy:

a) The Beverly Hillbillies
b) The Brady Bunch
c) The Addams Family

Functional Choice: The Addams Family (Indicates an acceptance of death and thus a freedom to think with less fear)

Dysfunctional Choices: Beverly Hillbillies (Could lead you to think that life, even with money, is not worth living and deflate your will to live); Brady Bunch (Could make you think about your own, less ideal family and deflate your will to live)

3. Imagine you are in a severe windstorm. Your vehicle has overturned and you are trapped inside. The vehicle is slowly sliding into a river with vicious white water turbulence. Which of the following television animals would you most like to arrive to help:

a) Mr. Ed
b) Rin Tin Tin
c) Arnold Ziffel (Green Acres)

Functional Choice: Mr. Ed (Although probably not personally motivated to assist you, he could be coaxed into kicking in a window for a French fry found on your car floor. And Ed is the best equipped to remove the window)

Dysfunctional Choices: Rin Tin Tin (Since you are a civilian and a stranger to him, precious moments could be lost as he ascertains whether you are a criminal); Arnold Ziffel (Has limited history of life saving skills or motivation to assist in human crises)

If you answered one question incorrectly, you should consider yourself diagnosed as a dysfunctional person. If you answered two questions incorrectly, you should seek professional counseling.

If you answered all three questions incorrectly, immediate hospitalization is recommended.

If, on the other hand, you answered all three questions correctly, further testing is in order.

Sunday, Denver, Colorado

The Mental Health Science of Teletherapy

What Is Teletherapy?

Teletherapy is a new method of psychological healing invented by Dr. Will whi he was with Nick-at-Nite. It is based on a careful analysis of an individual’s television viewing.

What Does Teletherapy Mean?

Teletherapy is a fusion of the words television and therapy, and so exactly describes what it does. The word "Television" comes from the Greek ‘tele’ which means distant or far off, and the Latin word ‘visio,’ meaning to see. Television means seeing something from a far distance. Thus the term “Teletherapy” means to be healed from far away.

And note that since “Teletherapy” is a combination of Latin and Greek, it is a metaphor for itself! Just as the word fuses the Roman with the Greek, the classic with the contaminated, so too Teletherapy merges the high art of Psychoanalytic psychotherapy with the murky bottom of America’s putrid, trashy popular culture.

So even though Dr. Will is physically removed from you, he can heal you from far away through the indirect medium of television. Is it any wonder that we often refer to this process as the “Miracle of Teletherapy?” And this, my friends, is exactly what it is - a miracle! So, do you need teletherapy? See the indicators below:

Five common signs that indicate a need for treatment by a Teletherapist

1. In normal conversations, you speak as if from a script, always feeling that you are awaiting your turn to deliver a line. In severe cases, this might also include spending time preparing your verbal input for a routine social interaction

2. During sitcoms, a variety of physical symptoms emerge including unexpected swooning, persistent ringing sounds in the ears, involuntary tics such as lip twitching and hand washing motions, and a fear of phantom limb pain

3. In social situations, initiating inappropriate and emotionally charged conversations about television characters. For instance, you begin openly weeping while describing the suffering of fugitive Dr. Richard Kimball

4. Agitation while watching Public Broadcasting

5. Making more than three calls within six months to America’s Most Wanted to offer information

———————————————————

The Power of Television

Far from being a waste of time, television is a powerful tool - if used in the right way. In essence, you can literally “watch your way to wellness.” Teletherapy flatly rejects every and all previous theories and assumptions that television is bad for you. Nonsense! Is a scalpel bad? Only if used for the wrong purpose. But if used as intended, the scalpel cuts and slices for healing. If it is used for dicing, it is in the hands of an amateur. We think you get the point.

Don’t be fooled by the superficial criticism of television. There are many misinformed pundits who see in television an easy scapegoat for all social ills. This is invalid. The proponents of such theories are either poorly educated in the metaphysical sciences, unschooled in the rudiments of Teletherapy, or even suffer from a serious adjustment disorder. In a highly under-reported research project at a major junior college, an analysis of television criticism concluded that over 48% of those who wrote more than one article blaming television for social problems showed almost all of the symptoms associated with alien abduction and surgery. Enough said!

If you watch television with the assistance of Teletherapy, everything about your personality will change forever. In fact, I can personally guarantee that your psychological problems will simply melt away. We see television as a cornucopia spilling over with profound lessons for life, and Teletherapy is a treatment which has been called a “balm to the soul.”

The messages every show contains are powerful reflections of human social and cultural reality. You can learn just about anything you want. You can gain insight into every imaginable topic. You can overcome any problem you have with the proper use of television. If only you will try.

Shed your stubborn inhibitions. Be the person you are intended to become! Chin up! Remember, today is the first day of the rest of your life! So turn on the Television set!

N.B. If these words have alarmed you, copy this entry and take it to your therapist to have your capacity for understanding irony evaluated

Friday, Sacramento, California

Delusions of Entitlement

Pamela Anderson, the freakish celebrity cartoon made an appearance on the Ellen DeGeneris Show this week and told a story about playing poker with a friend. I’m sure she thought the story was cute. But then she noted that “…I was down $250,000. dollars…”  Say what!?

Let’s get this straight. You’re having a typical weekend night of fun and enjoyment playing cards and lost a quarter million dollars? But that’s not all. She lost the cash to a professional poker player and made a deal with him to settle the debt with “sexual favors.” And wouldn’t you know, sometime into their negotiations she fell in love with him and is planning on marrying. Does he know she has hepatitis C?

I chalk this pathetic incident up to the fact that in this particular case, this lady’s stunning insensitivity about how she sounds to the audience is because she is as dumb as a hedgerow fence. She betrayed no awareness of how revolting it sounds to gamble away what for many people is a lifetime of income for a fun evening.

We all understand that celebrities are living a unique life of wealth and privilege. Regular people look upon them life with fascination and surely some envy. They are catered to and relieved of virtually every inconvenience - from carrying their luggage to the chores of parenting their children. Most of us, however find it very disconcerting when a celebrity conveys the attitude that they deserve the life of detached privilege they enjoy.

Americans are a generous lot who cheer for people who make it big. But the achievement should certainly be worthy of the rewards they reap. It’s tough enough to equate television and film acting with millions of dollars. We are somewhat tolerant of athletes who get rich. But there needs to be a sense of accomplishment tied to the reward. In America we are witnessing the curious phenomenon of individuals becoming rich celebrities with little or no apparent tie to any personal achievement. Has this happened in history before? I’m not too sure.

A misplaced sense of entitlement is always particularly revolting.

Thursday, Purdue University, West Lafayette, Indiana

Sean Boyd was Dr. Will’s patient for two years as part of a court ordered agreement to be treated for anger management. He was a Catholic priest for six years but left as a result of a fist fight with his Bishop over Bingo receipts. He now owns a pub in Wheaton, Illinois called “The Irish Brogue.” He has devoted his spare time to a newsletter for ex-priests and nuns called “The Lost Frock.”

Dr. Will,

As you now I have spent the past twenty years of my life dedicated to having Mr. Johnny Appleseed canonized as a saint. I am happy to announce that we are making some headway. I had a great conversation in my pub with Father Jim Collison a parish priest from Fort Wayne Indiana - which as you know is where Johnny (I should say, "Saint Johnny") is buried.

He tells me his cousin Whitney actually works in the Vatican and knows the folks who work in the canonization department (part of his job is getting them coffee and cannolis every morning). What luck! He has promised to personally intervene on behalf of our efforts to finally recognize the great fertilizer himself. I should be hearing something soon.

On another front, I was contacted through my website by a man in Louisville Kentucky who believes he is a descendent of Appleseed. His claim is based on the behavior of his son, Willy, who has for some unknown reason taken up the habit of walking around his community planting apple seeds on people’s lawns. The father claims Willy had never heard of Johnny Appleseed but one day put a cooking pot on top of his head and began roaming around the neighborhood with a trowel. Now, while it’s possible that little Willy has gone around the bend, who knows? This could be Johnny reaching out across time and space to nudge us along with the canonization process.

In any case, it’s amazing to me that it is taking this long. I mean here is Mother Teresa speeding along in the process and Appleseed can’t get arrested! And think about what he accomplished. Here it was, just after the turn of the nineteenth century and Johnny sets out from Boston and walks! to Indiana carrying bags of seeds. (Yes, you read that right - he walked!) And as he went around the country he planted seeds and talked to animals. I mean, isn’t this the exact same approach Francis of Assisi used?

Everyone who met him remarked at how kind he was and gentle with animals. He even took a caring interest in insects. Right there! Let me tell you that if you have a warm emotional reaction to mosquitoes and horse flies, you’re guaranteed to be in the heavenly Kingdom as far as I’m concerned! According to someone who knew him well, Appleseed was camping in the woods and noticed that mosquitoes were flying into his fire and being burned. “Good,” you say!? Not Johnny! He put out the fire and said “why should I have a comfortable fire if it results in killing God’s creatures?” Whoa!

There are many stories about Johnny Johnny Appleseed’s generosity. He gave away his clothing and dressed in rags and he never wore shoes, no matter what the weather. It is a miracle he lived to be nearly 70 years old. He is buried in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

Here are Johnny Appleseed’s Saintly credentials:

Wednesday, Lafayette, Indiana

When you watch television can you tell which characters are emotionally stable and which are unbalanced? Are you able to spot those who are at risk for mental disorders? Here is an example to test your knowledge. Which of these two classic characters do you think had better self esteem: Herman Munster or Mary Richards?

Think for a minute and write your answer down in a number two pencil.

If you said Herman Munster, excellent!Does this surprise you? It should not. Herman is the better adjusted of the two. After all, Herman is a severely, cosmetically challenged man, deemed hideous in appearance by almost any standard criteria of beauty in America. Everywhere he goes he is met with reactions of revulsion to outright terror. Small children flee from his presence. And yet, Herman felt great about himself as a person. How can this be? Is he in severe denial? Perhaps. But I believe Herman was aware of the reactions of people around him, but he saw it as their bias, not his problem. Despite his frequent frustrations with life’s circumstances, Herman knew he had value as a person.In contrast, Mary Richards, while seen as beautiful, effervescent, and highly attractive by all who met her, feels quite poorly about her core value as an individual. She is constantly struggling to feel positively about herself. In constant need of encouragement from others, she has an instinct to put the other above herself in almost every instance. It is very helpful to Mary that she is confronted daily with Ted Baxter, a regressed, marginally functional man with a narcissistic personality. By seeing Ted, she is reminded that her own self, so routinely under attack by her negative inner voices, must have some worth after all. But in the end she remains unconvinced.It is not surprising that Mary cannot seem to fulfill her greatest desire for a permanent, long term relationship in marriage. By remaining isolated from an intimate relationship (in sharp contrast to Herman, it should be noted), she betrays her chronic struggle with self doubt.If there was only one therapist available with one open appointment, my recommendation would be for mary to take it ahead of Herman.

Tuesday, Cincinnati, Ohio

Is Osama Bin Laden as dangerous as he was before, or is he now just a noisy, impotent fool? In advance of the anniversary of his psychotic act, Bin Laden released a new video filled with his tired rant about America. But for all his yapping about the evils of our our life and system, he had the audacity to appear with a laughable, newly dyed beard! Huh?

Here he is spewing his bile about how corrupt and venal we are and he sits for his latest television appearance fresh off his treatment with Grecian Formula. So much for religious purity. It’s a reminder that, as is usually the case, his mission may be murderous, but it is fundamentally about vanity. It’s always unwise to underestimate an international terrorist with millions of faithful adherents. But then again, seeing that jet black beard, dripping its dye, makes me wonder if he isn’t trying a little too hard.

Of course these videos give us pause, and make us wonder how vulnerable we are these days. In the aftermath of the attacks in 2001 we were jacked up and vigilant. But as time passes our memories dull and we become complacent. It takes the anniversary to jar us back to awareness that the authorities contend that it’s a matter of when, not if we will be attacked again. And this is the most unnerving part of terrorism. We cope with this tension of not knowing when it will happen by putting it out of our minds.

The better approach for coping with uncertainty is to feel the empathy of those around you. Talking openly about what we cannot control in life is the only coping strategy that actually works. After a trauma - in the “post traumatic stress” period - recovery involves supportive, empathic conversation that helps relieve the repressed memories. And guess what, engaging in supportive, empathic conversation prior to a potential trauma helps us to emotionally cope and survive whatever comes our way. In the age of terror tension, my advice is to start talking.

Monday, Cincinnati, Ohio

Hey Dr. Will

Once again you appeared in a dream I had this week. In the dream I was shopping at Super Target and as I turned down the linen aisle there you were, wearing a smock and a paper hat, stocking the shelves! I said hello and you looked up in shock. You practically shouted at me, “What!? Like I can get by on a therapist’s salary?” I reached down and struck you on the head with a bag of potatoes and you whimpered like a child. I have no idea what this means but I woke up feeling very powerful.

Now on to matters transcendent. I have had significant experiences this past week. Here are some of these items:

- The big news from the Other Side this week is, of course the arrival into the Kingdom of opera superstar Luciano Pavarotti. He contacted me the next day. I was having a quiet moment at a local Starbucks and enjoying reading a Capote’s In Cold Blood when suddenly I felt a strong presence. It was accompanied by a powerful aroma that I realized was biscotti cookies. I closed my eyes and went into a trance and heard the distinctive voice of the great Tenor himself.

Here is some of what he told me:

Madame, prepare to write some notes. I have only been here a few days and already there have been some disconcerting experiences:

First of all, to my great horror, as I was welcomed into the eternal Kingdom there was music playing. And, get this, it was a Teenie Bopper band from the 1960’s called The Archies! The greeting angel was swaying and smiling to the music and I asked what they were playing he said, “Oh, that’s their big hit, Sugar, Sugar.” I asked why they were chosen to play and was told that the “welcoming gig is rotated among all the musicians here. You happened to arrive during what we call the year of Bubble Gum music.” I immediately threw up!

Of course I asked to be taken to meet my hero, the legendary Enrico Caruso. I was whisked into his presence where to my amazement he was immersed in a game of bocce with a group of Italian truck drivers. I asked about his heavenly performances, assuming he was still actively using his great gift. He waved his hand away in disgust and said, “Nah! For me it’s now all about bocce,” as he turned to roll again. “But why?” I asked, horrified. “As you will soon learn, the great one is - are you ready - tone deaf!” Again I tossed my lunch.

The final straw was when I learned that during the orientation I was assigned to be sharing a class with another new arrival, a woman named Leona Helmsley. She is a vile cretin from New York who is undergoing a radical reeducation to correct her earthly values. Apparently she was a reprehensible individual who was known as the “Queen of Mean” for her abominable treatment of others. At the first orientation session, St. Francis of Assisi walked right up to her and ordered a flock of robins and cardinals to peck her mercilessly. Bloodied and subdued, Francis recalled the birds who landed all over him as he turned and left the room. It made me queasy and I had to excuse myself to run outside and be sick.

In fairness I must also say that there are amazing and positive things here. The food is beyond your imagination. I am eating like a stranded man rescued from an island. And to my delight there are no physical consequences to gorging oneself.

And finally I must say that although a lot of the music we hear around us is unbearably treacly and like nails on a slate, there are a few pockets of musical artists that gather together. I am enjoying my new companionship with John Lennon (who admitted he cannot abide listening to Yoko’s voice), Evis Presley and Jimi Hendrix. The first thing they asked me was to hit my famous High C note. When I let it rip they cheered and clapped. We are now all fast friends.

I will come to you again and keep you posted on new developments. I have to run now, I just saw Don Ho and I think he is stalking me.

That was the end of Pavarotti’s communication with me. I was then shaken awake by the manager of Starbucks who said I was moaning aloud and disturbing the other customers. I gathered my things and left. I knew he would not understand if I told him about my amazing experience.

Have a good week and I will be reporting again with news from the Other Side!

Madame Petite - I’m a Medium!

Friday, Lafayette, Indiana

As the War in Iraq drags on into its fifth year, the strain on the military has been extreme. Our reliance on a volunteer army, and especially reserve and national guard units has, according to many reports, brought the military system to a breaking point.

I was drafted and was in the army reserves for six years in the 1970’s. The Vietnam War was ending at that time so I did not really expect to be activated for anything other than domestic matters - hurricanes and riots (I did both). Today, despite the current war, many if not most people who have joined the Guard and Reserves do so with only a limited expectation that they would be called up for active service, let alone into active overseas combat. Nonetheless a high percentage of these men and women have experienced two and even three deployments into Iraq and Afghanistan. They serve with heroic honor and we are rightly proud of them.

But it raises an important question for me: why are we fighting a war for our national security and yet not demanding that the burdens of the endeavor be shared evenly across the entire population?

The overwhelming majority of Americans are able to live our lives undisturbed, while a small handful of volunteers face the bullets and bombs of the enemy with their families enduring the emotional burden that should be born by us all. I can think of no instance where I have been asked as a citizen to sacrifice anything other than my opinion about the war. This is a disgrace! Instead of making constructive contributions to our national safety, most of us are left to do little more than yak and fulminate partisan opinions - focusing more on the “enemy” with that opposite opinion than the enemy who is actually intent on killing us all!

What kind of a national endeavor is this? Tell me why we have not demanded everyone’s contribution to the effort to protect the country from the terrorist threat? Instead we are relying totally on the heroic sacrifice of a miniscule percentage of Americans to do the heavy lifting.

It’s past time we demanded a draft into service - for both military and civilian jobs - by all Americans on behalf of the country’s interests.

I hate the lunacy of war. But when they are necessary, it should be done with everyone sharing the burden. Either we are in or get out. And if we decide to be in a conflict, then it’s time to reinstitute the draft - as draft that includes all of us in the effort.
It is the responsibility of all of us to do something besides sit and grouse!