Friday, Chicago, Illinois

This week Dr. Glenn Sparks and I made were at Willow Creek Church near Chicago to present our research and writing on “Refrigerator Rights.” This is our book documenting the powerful impact of America’s mobility and media habits on our relationships. It argues that much of our famed stress symptoms, such as anxiety and depression, is fueled by the absence of close, supportive friendships.

We refer to these as refrigerator rights relationships because these are the people in our life that can open our fridge without permission. These are our close intimates and friends that have come to feel like brothers, sisters, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins…. You know exactly who they are for you.

They can get Advil from your private medicine cabinet;
they see you in your bathrobe;
they hear your talk the way your kids hear you talk.
They belong to you and you to them.

Our research over the last decade continues to point to the absence of these relationships in the daily life of millions of Americans as a major contributor to stress related disorders that ruin our health, sour our mood and damage our marriages. The support in social science research abounds. Studies in medicine, psychology, sociology and communication all confirm the risk of having too few emotionally close friendships. In essence, we have come to believe that missing a social support system is essentially what is ailing Americans in modern life. It affects how we treat those close to us and, especially how we treat strangers, It explains why we adhere so ferociously to ideologies and points of view, and feel the dubious liberty to demonize those who don’t share our perspective. It’s suffocating our souls.

Willow Creek, is an amazing faith community with a surging congregation of church affliliates across the nation. The people in attendance at this conference are those who focus on establishing and nurturing small group experiences in their Christian congregations. And for them the message of Refrigerator Rights is right on point. For Professor Sparks and me, Churches like Willow Creek are the most ready and prepared social institutions to intervene and triage the growing problem of social isolation that is hurting America.

Now, while we are both active in our Christian faith, we will emphasize that on this matter we are speaking as sociologists, if we might, in maintaining that faith communities of any persuasion, that focus on nurturing internal relationships to the end of bringing service and love to the larger community serve as a powerful remedy to the divisiveness that injures us - pathetically often in the name of a particular religion itself!

Of course we understand the problem of religion practiced poorly in the public square. But from our point of view this is bad religion and not the kind of faith practice that alleviates problems of social isolation. In fact, it is a tragic and disgraceful irony that a lot of our harmful social division is exacerbated by those speaking on behalf of their religion!

A faith community that fosters refrigerator rights relationships with the goal of creating people of humility and service to others is healing the country and urgently needed.

I welcome your civil comments and thoughtful reaction.