Monday, Boston, Massachusetts

Dr. Jurgen White was a fellow graduate student with Dr. Will at Columbia and was expelled for burning down a science building during a protest. White completed his studies in Venezuela where he specialized in classic American television. He is, according to his own description, “the world’s premiere classic television analyst.”

Visually impaired and pale skinned after being splashed with ammonia by his disgruntled housekeeper Vicki, White is the author of several pamphlets and monographs detailing his theories about the future life of many classic television characters. His works include “The Flamboyant Pathology of The Brady Bunch” and "Theories on the Future Life of George Costanza.” He sent me the following note:

Dr. Will,

I thought you might be interested in distributing my latest research into the great classic The Andy Griffith Show. In particular, by using sophisticated computer models, I have developed a working theory on the future of Gomer’s cousin, Goober Pyle. I thoroughly believe this theory!

In a joint research project funded jointly by the Jurgen White Television Institute and Burger King, an extensive study was conducted to determine what is called the “life probability” of television characters. Using the exacting insight of Teletherapy, the scientists were able to look into the future and project, with startling accuracy, the future fate of every character that ever appeared on television. Below is one of the famous characters with the results of their LPB (Life Probability Analysis), including their MLS (Mid Life Snapshot)

Goober Pyle

Life Probability Analysis: Although he was certainly intellectually limited, perhaps even mildly retarded, Goober had sufficient social skills to function independently. His work as a mechanic was risky, however, due to the high probability that he would misdiagnose and blunder with some frequency. Add to this his constricted communication skills, shoddy personal hygiene, and discomfort with confrontation, and Goober is quite vulnerable to a work-related crisis. Along with his cousin Gomer, it was likely that before too long, he would become involved in a serious altercation involving an irate customer.

Mid Life Snapshot: Goober eventually marries a depressed and irritable woman eleven years his junior, and they have two children who both experience multiple faile dmarriages and become meth addicts. After several incidents involving his questionable mechanical skills, his auto repair business decreases to a bare minimum. The oil shortage in the 1970’s, however, creates more profit in fuel sales. Goober becomes a franchise for a major national oil chain, installs the first self- serve pumps in Mayberry, and opens three more locations. He becomes wealthy. But in 1984, he and Gomer are severely injured when a tanker truck explodes at their station due to their mechanical error. Now walking with a severe limp, and, as a result of extensive plastic surgery, Goober is unrecognizable to viewers.