Monday, Denver, Colorado

We all know that television is replete with dysfunctional individuals and families. For example, even if you are a recent émigré from another country, and are otherwise mystified by American culture, you can instantly tell that the Bundy family has significant issues. You do not have to be a trained mental health professional to spot the Clampetts, Addams and Simpsons as families in difficulty.

But beyond these more transparent examples, Television has innumerable illustrations of more subtle dysfunction. If analyzed properly, you can see beyond the veneer of perfection of even the Brady and Partridge families, and get a glimpse of the putrid swamp festering inside. But don’t be alarmed; this is normal. “Everyone’s family has a sewer running through it.”
(Direct quote of famous Psychoanalyst Dr. Carl Rogers to his daughter-in-law Stella, while waiting in line at an A&P, Princeton, NJ, June, 1962.)

Yes, the truth is that every family, including your own, is dysfunctional. If you disagree with this assessment, don’t worry, you are just in denial, and that is also normal. Perhaps you are even becoming agitated right now as you take extreme issue with this basic Teletherapeutic truth about your family. Maybe you are experiencing facial tics, or having thoughts of violence. If so, this only proves the point. You, as a product of an evidently dysfunctional family, are unable to bear up under the strain of mere words which attack you and your kin. You are struggling to maintain your composure, feeling enraged with Teletherapy (see a definition in the entry below) as a discipline, and with me personally. All these feelings are clear symptoms of family dysfunction, and thus we have proven the point.

A dysfunctional individual is always the product of a dysfunctional family. But not every individual from a dysfunctional family is themselves dysfunctional. Thus we can conclude that every healthy person has come from a dysfunctional family. If you are unable to follow this logic, or are otherwise feeling confused, this inability to think clearly is further evidence that you are from a dysfunctional family. But whether or not you are personally dysfunctional still needs to be established.

While all families are to some degree dysfunctional, obviously the intensity varies greatly. There are two essential categories of individuals and families accepted by most mental health practitioners and their professional organizations,. These two categories are: “Normal” and “Abnormal.”

To ascertain into which category you or your family falls, there are several television-based assessment tools which can serve as guides. One of these, for example, is a short quiz that I call call “Teletherapae Extremis” (Teletherapy in Extreme Situations). It scans your television preferences while you are in a perilous or horrifying situation. The results can offer significant insight. It’s a quick test of your symptoms of dysfunction.

Answer the following three questions:

1. Imagine you are in an appliance store being held at gun point in a hostage situation. As you wait for the negotiations to conclude, which reality based show should you think about to help you to remain calm:

a) The O’Reilly Factor
b) The Jerry Springer Show
c) World Wide Wrestling

Functional Choice: World Wide Wrestling (the key to relaxing is to divert your attention away from your imminent death by focusing on others more pathetic than yourself)

Dysfunctional Choices: The O’Reilly Factor (Indicates hyper awareness of severely dysfunctional behavior patterns in the society); Jerry Springer (Could indicate codependent, self-defeating compassion for the perpetrator)

2. Imagine you are fleeing from a disgruntled co-worker and have run into a local Blockbuster to escape. As you are lying flat on the carpet in the television section, hoping the maniac will pass by outside, three DVD’s are in view. Which of these classic television shows would remind you of a life sustaining strategy:

a) The Beverly Hillbillies
b) The Brady Bunch
c) The Addams Family

Functional Choice: The Addams Family (Indicates an acceptance of death and thus a freedom to think with less fear)

Dysfunctional Choices: Beverly Hillbillies (Could lead you to think that life, even with money, is not worth living and deflate your will to live); Brady Bunch (Could make you think about your own, less ideal family and deflate your will to live)

3. Imagine you are in a severe windstorm. Your vehicle has overturned and you are trapped inside. The vehicle is slowly sliding into a river with vicious white water turbulence. Which of the following television animals would you most like to arrive to help:

a) Mr. Ed
b) Rin Tin Tin
c) Arnold Ziffel (Green Acres)

Functional Choice: Mr. Ed (Although probably not personally motivated to assist you, he could be coaxed into kicking in a window for a French fry found on your car floor. And Ed is the best equipped to remove the window)

Dysfunctional Choices: Rin Tin Tin (Since you are a civilian and a stranger to him, precious moments could be lost as he ascertains whether you are a criminal); Arnold Ziffel (Has limited history of life saving skills or motivation to assist in human crises)

If you answered one question incorrectly, you should consider yourself diagnosed as a dysfunctional person. If you answered two questions incorrectly, you should seek professional counseling.

If you answered all three questions incorrectly, immediate hospitalization is recommended.

If, on the other hand, you answered all three questions correctly, further testing is in order.