Monday, Cincinnati, Ohio

Madame Petite - She’s a Medium
She sees what you cannot see!

Madame Petite was a client of Dr. Will’s for 13 years following the disappearance of her sister Lucy. During treatment she claims to have discovered her psychic abilities. She used these powers to find her missing sister who was suffering traumatic amnesia and living in a small village in Madison, Wisconsin. She reunited with Lucy and they live together in a mobile home in the town of Crawfordsville, Indiana. This is her report on matters transcendent:

Hey Dr. Will

Once again you appeared in a dream I had this week. In the dream I was shopping at Super Target and as I turned down the linen aisle there you were, wearing a smock and a paper hat, stocking the shelves! I said hello and you looked up in shock. You practically shouted at me, “What!? Like I can get by on a therapist’s salary?” I reached down and struck you on the head with a bag of potatoes and you whimpered like a child. I have no idea what this means but I woke up feeling very powerful.

Now on to matters transcendent. I have had significant experiences this past week. Here are some of these items:

- The big news from the Other Side this week is, of course the arrival into the Kingdom of opera superstar Luciano Pavarotti. He contacted me the next day. I was having a quiet moment at a local Starbucks and enjoying reading a Capote’s In Cold Blood when suddenly I felt a strong presence. It was accompanied by a powerful aroma that I realized was biscotti cookies. I closed my eyes and went into a trance and heard the distinctive voice of the great Tenor himself.

Here is some of what he told me:

Madame, prepare to write some notes. I have only been here a few days and already there have been some disconcerting experiences:

First of all, to my great horror, as I was welcomed into the eternal Kingdom there was music playing. And, get this, it was a Teenie Bopper band from the 1960’s called The Archies! The greeting angel was swaying and smiling to the music and I asked what they were playing he said, “Oh, that’s their big hit, Sugar, Sugar.” I asked why they were chosen to play and was told that the “welcoming gig is rotated among all the musicians here. You happened to arrive during what we call the year of Bubble Gum music.” I immediately threw up!

Of course I asked to be taken to meet my hero, the legendary Enrico Caruso. I was whisked into his presence where to my amazement he was immersed in a game of bocce with a group of Italian truck drivers. I asked about his heavenly performances, assuming he was still actively using his great gift. He waved his hand away in disgust and said, “Nah! For me it’s now all about bocce,” as he turned to roll again. “But why?” I asked, horrified. “As you will soon learn, the great one is - are you ready - tone deaf!” Again I tossed my lunch.

The final straw was when I learned that during the orientation I was assigned to be sharing a class with another new arrival, a woman named Leona Helmsley. She is a vile cretin from New York who is undergoing a radical reeducation to correct her earthly values. Apparently she was a reprehensible individual who was known as the “Queen of Mean” for her abominable treatment of others. At the first orientation session, St. Francis of Assisi walked right up to her and ordered a flock of robins and cardinals to peck her mercilessly. Bloodied and subdued, Francis recalled the birds who landed all over him as he turned and left the room. It made me queasy and I had to excuse myself to run outside and be sick.

In fairness I must also say that there are amazing and positive things here. The food is beyond your imagination. I am eating like a stranded man rescued from an island. And to my delight there are no physical consequences to gorging oneself.

And finally I must say that although a lot of the music we hear around us is unbearably treacly and like nails on a slate, there are a few pockets of musical artists that gather together. I am enjoying my new companionship with John Lennon (who admitted he cannot abide listening to Yoko’s voice), Evis Presley and Jimi Hendrix. The first thing they asked me was to hit my famous High C note. When I let it rip they cheered and clapped. We are now all fast friends.

I will come to you again and keep you posted on new developments. I have to run now, I just saw Don Ho and I think he is stalking me.

That was the end of Pavarotti’s communication with me. I was then shaken awake by the manager of Starbucks who said I was moaning aloud and disturbing the other customers. I gathered my things and left. I knew he would not understand if I told him about my amazing experience.

Have a good week and I will be reporting again with news from the Other Side!

Madame Petite - I’m a Medium!