Friday, Chicago, Illinois

This week Dr. Glenn Sparks and I made were at Willow Creek Church near Chicago to present our research and writing on “Refrigerator Rights.” This is our book documenting the powerful impact of America’s mobility and media habits on our relationships. It argues that much of our famed stress symptoms, such as anxiety and depression, is fueled by the absence of close, supportive friendships.

We refer to these as refrigerator rights relationships because these are the people in our life that can open our fridge without permission. These are our close intimates and friends that have come to feel like brothers, sisters, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins…. You know exactly who they are for you.

They can get Advil from your private medicine cabinet;
they see you in your bathrobe;
they hear your talk the way your kids hear you talk.
They belong to you and you to them.

Our research over the last decade continues to point to the absence of these relationships in the daily life of millions of Americans as a major contributor to stress related disorders that ruin our health, sour our mood and damage our marriages. The support in social science research abounds. Studies in medicine, psychology, sociology and communication all confirm the risk of having too few emotionally close friendships. In essence, we have come to believe that missing a social support system is essentially what is ailing Americans in modern life. It affects how we treat those close to us and, especially how we treat strangers, It explains why we adhere so ferociously to ideologies and points of view, and feel the dubious liberty to demonize those who don’t share our perspective. It’s suffocating our souls.

Willow Creek, is an amazing faith community with a surging congregation of church affliliates across the nation. The people in attendance at this conference are those who focus on establishing and nurturing small group experiences in their Christian congregations. And for them the message of Refrigerator Rights is right on point. For Professor Sparks and me, Churches like Willow Creek are the most ready and prepared social institutions to intervene and triage the growing problem of social isolation that is hurting America.

Now, while we are both active in our Christian faith, we will emphasize that on this matter we are speaking as sociologists, if we might, in maintaining that faith communities of any persuasion, that focus on nurturing internal relationships to the end of bringing service and love to the larger community serve as a powerful remedy to the divisiveness that injures us - pathetically often in the name of a particular religion itself!

Of course we understand the problem of religion practiced poorly in the public square. But from our point of view this is bad religion and not the kind of faith practice that alleviates problems of social isolation. In fact, it is a tragic and disgraceful irony that a lot of our harmful social division is exacerbated by those speaking on behalf of their religion!

A faith community that fosters refrigerator rights relationships with the goal of creating people of humility and service to others is healing the country and urgently needed.

I welcome your civil comments and thoughtful reaction.

Thanks to all of you for continuing to check in here!

I am doing my best to mix up the content between the serious, the humorous and the inane. If there are some entries you particularly like - or don’t care for pleae let me know - email me by clicking here

Thursday, Boston, Massachusetts

Madame Petite - She’s a Medium: She sees what you cannot see!

Madame Petite was a client of Dr. Will’s for 13 years following the disappearance of her sister Lucy. During treatment she claims to have discovered her psychic abilities. She used these powers to find her missing sister who was suffering traumatic amnesia and living in a small village in Madison, Wisconsin. She reunited with Lucy and they live together in a mobile home in the town of Crawfordsville, Indiana. This is her report on matters transcendent:

Greetings from Voices of The Other Side Dr. Will

I was not yet aware of the passing of the legendary mime Marcel Marceau this past week. But sure enough the great man contacted me in a vision last night. Of course it took me a while to realize it was really him because he spoke in a loud, high pitched voice. He told me to get up and go to the full length mirror in my bedroom. And there he was in the mirror wearing a big floppy hat. He was clearly distraught. I asked what was burdening him and he began to tell me:

First of all, no sooner do I enter the great Kingdom when the greeting angel makes a face at me and says, ‘Oh, it’s you.’ I said ‘Excuse me?’ He said, ‘All right, I’ll be blunt, I don’ like mimes!’ But before I could react to his comment, a lightening bolt evaporated him right in front of me! And a loud voice thundered, ‘Sorry about that, Marcel.’ Then the voice muttered, ‘man, you crack me up!’

I was shown around the place which is, of course fantastic. At one point I caught a glimpse of my reflection and realized to my consternation that I was in white face! I asked my guide about it and he chuckled, ‘well, that demand came from the highest authority, if you get my drift.’ I asked why and was told, ‘look, it’s well known up here that there is great exasperation with all the yapping that goes on down there. And it’s jawing without a purpose. It’s like talking to hear myself talk. There’s little regard for listening. I’ve actually seen SB…er, that’s how we refer to the Supreme Being here…yell out ‘Oy Vey! Put a sock in it!’ In fact, when Chris Farley showed up SB had him do his Matt Foley bit and howled laughing when Chris bellowed, ‘I wish you would just shut your big YAPPER!’

I have already met some amazing individuals. Went to a Pavarotti concert and the great tenor has really slimmed down. Between numbers he introduced me to the crown and they cheered when I was acknowledged. At the intermission there was another unique welcome that I know you would especially enjoy. Turns out Alice Ghostley and Marion Lorne were brought up on stage and joyously hugged each other to wild applause. I had no idea who they were until Marcel reminded me that they played Esmerelda and bumbling Aunt Clara on the show Bewitched. Turns out that this show was hugely popular with many of the original Apostles! When Ghostley arrived last week it is said that St. Matthew himself burst into tears of joy! Go figure.

Well, that’s all from here. Except that at the end of his appearance Marcel added ominously, “stay tuned for an unexpected passage!” Oh oh!

My advice, Dr. Will, stay inside!

Wednesday, Boston, Massachusetts

Most times I find that new studies on health matters square with common sense. General observation tells you that excesses in smoking, calories and illicit drugs are associated with bad endings. The findings in most health related research are not usually a big surprise as much as they are a confirmation of what we have long suspected.

And so it is with a new study that focused on women who keep silent when arguing with their spouse. It found that they have an increased risk of health problems. Huh! Ya think!?

Published in July in the Journal Psychosomatic Medicine the results showed that “married women who keep silent during marital disputes have a greater chance of dying from heart disease and other conditions than women who speak their minds.”

The study added,"Women who ‘self-silenced’ were four times more likely to die during the study than women who said they always spoke out.”

Men on the other hand are able to keep things bottled up with little adverse effect. Another of life’s curious injustices.

The advice to women, then is obvious. As Elaine Eaker, the lead researcher stated, "When in conflict with your spouse, it helps to express yourself." Over all, marriage is good for long life. For men especially it adds seven years, while only two for women. This presumes, however that the nature of the marriage is relatively peaceful. A highly stressed marriage can shorten your life more dramatically than a calm and happy single life.

As far as marital conflict is concerned the study revealed an interesting variable. When couples used the collective pronouns like “we” and "us” they did better than when the individuals used the singular pronouns like “I” or “me.” The “I” and “me” couples fared much more poorly in their health.

In addition, the recovery time for couples after arguments was much slower when there was hostility in the dialogue, like insults, accusations and even rolling one’s eyes. In other words, fighting that dismisses instead of listens is more destructive to our health as well as our marriage. And women take longer to heal than men.

The bottom line is that while arguing and conflict may be a natural part of any close relationship, the style of disagreement is a crucial variable. And women must especially beware!

Amy tried her hand at the analyis of Scoobie Doo. She does an outstanding job!

First of all, each of the characters represents a different “type” of person we might find in our daily lives. In fact, we might be able to relate to one of them personally:

Daphne, the bright and pretty. Freddie appears to favor, or rather “protect” her and she often defers to the others. She represents the quintessential female of the time.

Thelma, the brainy tomboy, is independant and takes charge. She isn’t threatening to the others and works for the common good of the group.

Freddie, the studly sleuth, is the friendly pleaser. He rallys the group to solve the mystery while hoping he’ll score with Daphne eventually (there’s always a guy like this in the workplace).

Shaggy is the baby steps risk-taker. He makes his moves with his alter-ego (Scooby) at his heels. “I’ll do it if you do it.” He gets into tight situations, yet comes out scared, but unharmed. Scooby is Shaggy’s “other personality,” and not really a true dog at all. So, that’s it for the “life” reasons we watched the show. There’s a little of all of them in and or around all of us.

As for the death part, we humans love to be safely scared. Maybe it’s in the genes the same way we need to alter our reality in other ways. The shows gave us just enough of a fear rush to deliver the “drug.” The plots always safely side-stepped reality enough that we could immerse ourselves in the fear without nightmares of something REALLY happening. We were safely delivered back to our couches with the villian’s words, “and I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids.” Ahhh, safe and sound until we needed the next fix, knowing we could defeat fear and death in about 30 minutes (including commercials).

Tuesday, Boston, Massachusetts

It was high drama yesterday in New York when Columbia University President Lee Bollinger, using his “introduction” of the controversial President of Iran, blitzed Mahmoud Ahmadinejad with accusations of his character, intelligence and his litany of bone headed statements.

Calling him a petty dictator guilty of executions and the absurd denial of the Jewish holocaust in Germany, he intimated that the Iranian leader was uneducated, evil and too much of a coward to answer these accusations directly. In a mere fifteen minutes he verbally boiled the little dictator in oil!

When his own time at the microphone came Ahmadinejad protested the insulting comments in the introduction. He then went on to sermonize about freedom and intellectual curiosity but, as predicted did not answer the charges leveled at him. And his penchant for ludicrous statements continued. The best was probably when he asserted, with a straight face, that there are no homosexuals in Iran. Say What!?

I suppose Ahmadinejad deserves some credit for his willingness to face the hostility of the American public. But the impression he left was of a limited mind with distorted ideas. He proved to be just what we heard - a cruel, posturing little puppet with idiotic ideas. I can’t imagine that the Iranian clergy, who actually call the shots there, were not slapping their foreheads in disgust watching their President’s performance in New York.

Bravo to the Columbia President who got the rare opportunity to blister the Iranian toad right to his face. No one else in the government has gotten the chance to do that. Maybe the visit was a good idea after all. Frankly I enjoyed watching Mahmoud Ahmadinejad get nailed.

Monday, Boston, Massachusetts

Do you have a theory about the psychological meaning of the classic cartoon Scoobie Doo? It is rife with meaning. What’s your take on why we watched this program for so many years. A hint: It’s about life and death! Send a (clean) comment & it will be posted.

Monday, Boston, Massachusetts

Dr. Jurgen White was a fellow graduate student with Dr. Will at Columbia and was expelled for burning down a science building during a protest. White completed his studies in Venezuela where he specialized in classic American television. He is, according to his own description, “the world’s premiere classic television analyst.”

Visually impaired and pale skinned after being splashed with ammonia by his disgruntled housekeeper Vicki, White is the author of several pamphlets and monographs detailing his theories about the future life of many classic television characters. His works include “The Flamboyant Pathology of The Brady Bunch” and "Theories on the Future Life of George Costanza.” He sent me the following note:

Dr. Will,

I thought you might be interested in distributing my latest research into the great classic The Andy Griffith Show. In particular, by using sophisticated computer models, I have developed a working theory on the future of Gomer’s cousin, Goober Pyle. I thoroughly believe this theory!

In a joint research project funded jointly by the Jurgen White Television Institute and Burger King, an extensive study was conducted to determine what is called the “life probability” of television characters. Using the exacting insight of Teletherapy, the scientists were able to look into the future and project, with startling accuracy, the future fate of every character that ever appeared on television. Below is one of the famous characters with the results of their LPB (Life Probability Analysis), including their MLS (Mid Life Snapshot)

Goober Pyle

Life Probability Analysis: Although he was certainly intellectually limited, perhaps even mildly retarded, Goober had sufficient social skills to function independently. His work as a mechanic was risky, however, due to the high probability that he would misdiagnose and blunder with some frequency. Add to this his constricted communication skills, shoddy personal hygiene, and discomfort with confrontation, and Goober is quite vulnerable to a work-related crisis. Along with his cousin Gomer, it was likely that before too long, he would become involved in a serious altercation involving an irate customer.

Mid Life Snapshot: Goober eventually marries a depressed and irritable woman eleven years his junior, and they have two children who both experience multiple faile dmarriages and become meth addicts. After several incidents involving his questionable mechanical skills, his auto repair business decreases to a bare minimum. The oil shortage in the 1970’s, however, creates more profit in fuel sales. Goober becomes a franchise for a major national oil chain, installs the first self- serve pumps in Mayberry, and opens three more locations. He becomes wealthy. But in 1984, he and Gomer are severely injured when a tanker truck explodes at their station due to their mechanical error. Now walking with a severe limp, and, as a result of extensive plastic surgery, Goober is unrecognizable to viewers.

Friday, Purdue University, West Lafayette, Indiana

There is no accounting for the whacked judgement of people. My friend Amy pointed out the irony of the media interviewing the woman identified as “O.J.’s girlfriend.”  As she observed, “You know that SOMEWHERE some nice guy is looking for a nice girl and is thinking, "I can’t believe I’m losing to THIS guy!"

And of course she is right. And it makes me wonder about the judgement of every party concerned in these soap opera scenarios. You are the love interest of O.J. Simpson? Can you say issues? In addition to morbid curiosity, as a therapist I would be very interested to speak to her about her desires and expectations. The same goes for the man who is bitterly pining away at the prospect of losing her affections. What is it he sees in her that has captured his emotions?

Speak to anyone who does counseling for a living - psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker, pastoral counselor, life coach or guidance counselor. They will tell you that, unless they have become hardened and bitter themselves, we never cease to be amazed at the blind denial and staggering stupidity of people who attach themselves to an obviously maladjusted individual. They will also confess the joy they experience when helping someone with a desire to change to make their life and relationships work.

It’s one thing to tolerate the narcissism and antisocial behavior in your own family from whom there is less escape - that’s a painful but different struggle. No, we are referring to the individuals who plow ahead into a relationship with someone who cannot follow the rules, hurts other people, hurts children, hurts them and refuses to acknowledge that their approach to life is a dead end street. Of course I am aware of the unconscious, self-defeating dynamic of trying to rescue someone whose illness is rooted in tragic childhood traumas of abuse and neglect.

Nonetheless, an hour of television watching educates even the most obtuse about the dynamics of co-dependence, unhealthy living and bad choices. Whoever has caught your eye, they have a clone, a doppleganger on a television show. They appear everywhere - Law & Order, Missing Without a Trace, Dr. Phil and Jerry Springer. Resources abound!

Fill out the profile on eHarmony or Match.com and get with the program. Local law enforcement will be grateful for a few less domestic violence calls.

If you have an unquenchable desire for a complex person, for heaven’s sake, go to therapy and try to find at least a Monk!

Thursday, Lafayette, Indiana

And with that obnoxious prankster Andrew Meyer, a University of Florida student became an Internet celebrity. When he wouldn’t shut his yapper at a John Kerry lecture he goaded the police into attacking him and eventually using a stun gun to quiet him down. And as is always the case today, it was all caught on tape. We hear him yelling for help, claiming his innocence and even warning witnesses to “remember him” because he believed he was going to be “killed” by the government or the cops or someone. Huh?

There are no heroes in this pathetic spectacle. Meyer, has a website where it’s clear that he is a publicity seeker - he wasted no time trumpeting his victimization on the web with story links and calls for action. Lost in the story as the ACLU and - of all people - Amnesty International - expressed their outrage at the “excessive force” used by the police. In fact, even if the police over react, the tape clearly shows the showboat resisting reason as well as arrest. It was a battle he was not going to win.

Meyer lost his moral high ground against the authority because of his own belligerence. Had he submitted, first, to shutting up and following the civil tone that others were using and second obeying the police even as he was yelling his protests, he could have exposed the impropriety of his being muzzled. But because he acted like a spoiled lunatic, and then screeching like a child he leveled the field. Everyone looked bad - a situation that Meyer himself ignited.

Making a case against unjust the force by authority is credible when it has been inflicted upon a civilian. Meyer was anything but civil. He seems more like an immture, self-promoting clown. Why do I get the feeling that he will soon be on the lecture circuit for $5,000. a speech?