Tuesday, Purdue University, West Lafayette, Indiana

Jake Inkman has been a freelance journalist for 30 years. He was treated by Dr. Will for 8 years for depression which before long spun out of control into an anxiety disorder. He lives and travels to news hotspots in a Luxury Motor Home and reports to major news organizations. He claims he has been detained by government agencies on numerous occasions for leaking inside information. Although he has not yet been formally published he claims to be the source of inside information that, in his words, “other low life, swamp scum, so-called journalists steal from me and put their own name on it!” Here is his recent report to me:

Well, it finally happened. The Other Shoe dropped. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales resigned after months of pressure from both sides of the aisle. My secret source inside the White House (let’s call him “Deep Bowel”) gave me the inside dope on the matter this past weekend. I was met at a Georgetown parking lot, blindfolded and driven to a remote area in Virginia. (Despite their precautions the driver openly chatted. When he said, “can you believe they’re building a new Wendy’s on this corner where the old Rally’s burned down?” I knew exactly where we were.) I was led into a house to meet my contact and here is what I learned:

-Don’t believe the media hype. The real reason Gonzales resigned is that he offended Vice President Dick Cheney. Lynn Cheney asked the Gonzales family to dog sit for a weekend. When they returned home the poodle was shaved bald! The reason for the incident we are told was that the Attorney General and his family wanted to make sure there was no bug planted in the poodle’s black fur. When Cheney saw the dog he called the President and ordered him to make Gonzales “go away.” When Mr. Bush hesitated, Cheney threatened ominously, “which would you prefer, a dignified exit or a water board treatment down at Langley?” Bush chuckled and asked, "who are you talking about, Al or me?” There was dead silence on the phone and Bush, feeling the threat and with sweat on his brow, said, “I’ll take care of it, Sir!”

- In the aftermath of the Gonzales resignation the White House has been burning up the phones trying to find someone willing to take over. According to my source, “they are up to the letter K in the phone book with no luck so far."

- I have it on good authority that Bill Clinton, believing he was unobserved, hurled a spitball at the back of Barack Obama backstage at a recent democratic debate. When confronted by a witness the former President had him hustled off by the Secret Service.

- A reliable source inside Fox News swears that after most episodes of the Beltway Boys, Mort Kondracke & Fred Barnes, overwhelmed by with their responsibility to put a positive face on the Administration, can often be heard openly weeping in their dressing rooms.

- The White House is feverishly preparing for the September report on progress in Iraq. Some believe that the President will announce some modest troop reductions to ease the pressure from Congress and the public. But it has come to my attention that some in the Administration want to hunker down and actually ramp up the effort. To that end a proposal is being floated to allow illegal aliens in the U.S. to gain citizenship immediately after a one year tour of duty in the war. An aide to the President gleefully blurted, “talk about killing two birds with one stone! No pun intended!” he joked. Upon hearing the report Nancy Pelosi began banging her head on the office desk.