Charlotte, North Carolina

Sally & I are in Charlotte, North Carolina for the wedding of my niece, Allison. She is a remarkable young woman who has always been devoted to working with special needs children. She and Chris will live in Raleigh, North Carolina but they are having the wedding here in Charlotte, where they met and loved and lived.

I have had the privilege of traveling to every one of the United States multiple times. I have seen all the great cities, as well as countless smaller communities across the country. Charlotte is among my favorites. It is a beautiful, growing city with magnificent modern, high rise urban architecture and outstanding public art. Rising over the top of the many skyscrapers are a dozen more construction cranes.

Walking these streets I feel very grateful to have shed the cynicism of my younger years. It is cynicism that poisoned my capacity to be grateful for what I see and experience in my life. By finally rejecting the impulse to ridicule and dismiss (which, as a therapist I came to understand is merely a defense against my frailty and vulnerability) I have been able to live in the moment and full of the moment. Thank God!

In the light of this awakening, humanity is a never ceasing wonder. Because to simply look past that which people have built leaves one with only reminders of what we are missing. Taking in the grandeur of human achievement balances the scale against the suffering we see all around us.

Since I am singularly helpless to alleviate all the suffering I see, I surrender to the mercy of God and am reminded that the story is not over as I watch the iron workers move around two hundred feet in the air, erecting yet another magnificent edifice. What a world!

Hickory, North Carolina

Summer Vacation: The Psychology of Carnival Rides

We traveled through the Great Smokey Mountain National Park in Tennessee. On the way the tourist destination of Pigeon Fork & Gatlinburg present a cacophony of visual pollution, low cost entertainment and roadside carnivals. The park itself is spectacular and a reminder to me that there are dramatically distinct options for vacation opportunities. One can opt for Dollywood, the Comedy Barn and pancake houses, or the great opportunities for encounters with nature for hikers, campers and outdoor enthusiasts.

What is your vacation preference? For some it is a cruise or a trip t the islands. For others it is golf. I have a colleague who is smitten with carnival amusement parks, especially ferris wheels & roller coasters. Does this appeal to you? Or do you have anxiety about rides like roller coasters and Ferris wheels? If so, you’re not alone. Let’s analyze this fear.

A reader named Maryellen tells us about a dream where she is at a fair or carnival and is on a ride which she feels is vaguely like a Ferris Wheel. The ride ends and they let everyone else off, but leave her stranded high in the air. Everyone leaves and the fair closes and she is abandoned.

First we will analyze Maryellen’s vivid dream, and then we will interpret it:

Analysis: According to Maryellen’s account, she is not simply abandoned at the carnival, she is left in a perilous situation on a ride. She also says that she has been left "high" in the air on this ride and obviously feels that she cannot get down on her own. This indicates that the dream is a memory of a time very early in her life when she was similarly helpless. (It’s a common terror for young children when a parent leaves them alone for too long a time) But there is more to her dream. For although the carnival represents a place of fun and pleasure, there is also a hint of danger there. The rides are often hazardous, even lethal. And since they drift from town to town, communities are often suspicious of the carnival, fearful that degenerate carnival workers will prey on their young women. Thus Maryellen finds herself in a place that on the outside seems happy, but where secret dangers are lurking. And this adds to her dread of being left alone there.

Interpretation 1: It is conceivable that Maryellen’s parents, perhaps under the influence of alcohol and drugs, actually did in reality at one time abandon little Maryellen at a carnival and then passed out until the next morning.

Interpretation 2: This dream could be about Maryellen’s inner conflict. Perhaps she feels that although on the outside she appears happy and fun loving, on the inside, just like the carnival, she is pulsating with dark, dangerous, erotic urges. Thus the dream might be telling us that in her fantasy life, Maryellen sometimes feels like she herself is a depraved carnival worker. In other words, the dream exposes Maryellen’s own "Inner Carny."

Ever since I became a therapist I have believed that by understanding television characters you can learn more about yourself.
Here’s just one of the thousands of testimonials that come into our office every day:

Reader Chris Meza writes:

Dr. Will’s analyses of the TV characters included in his book “Why We Watch” has helped me understand other people in real life as far as attempting to create and sustain relationships. I’ve known a ‘Patty Duke’, she hadn’t merged the little girl and the mature woman to make one complete person. Struggling with her identity, you’d never know which of her personalities would dominate. Would she be running around like a kid, or instead very calm and pouring with feminine charm like an adult? I know a ‘Lucy Ricardo’ where I work - she’s more successful than any of us, she tries so hard to be a star, however, she maintains such a cool facade. The theme of “The Munsters” is the key to understanding the issue of rejection, etc. His book has just helped me immensely in my daily life.

Thanks Chris!
It’s clear you have healed your wounded Inner Gilligan!

And by the way, a new updated version of the book Why We Watch: Killing the Gilligan Within is coming in 2008. More information to follow

Knoxville, Tennessee

When it comes to stress, we often make matters worse for ourselves with are our lifestyle habits. And one of the most common problems is our dependence on the stimulant coffee. I refer to it as the Starbucks Syndrome - heavy doses of caffeine to keep ourselves up and running.

The risk of course is a psychological problem known as Caffeine Addiction. Are you afflicted?

Caffeine Intoxication (DSM-IV Diagnosis #305.90)

Symptoms: Following recent consumption of caffeine, at least 5 of the following signs develop: (the symptoms are real, the descriptions are Dr. Will’s illustrations to help you understand if you are a victim)

1. Restlessness - Sitting down has become so uncomfortable that you change careers to one where you can stand all the time, e.g., toll collector.

2. Nervousness - Small, insignificant noises cause you to experience intense anxiety, e.g., opening a paper grocery bag.

3. Excitement - Your voice volume has become so elevated that people lean backward when listening to you.

4. Insomnia - Even though you have excellent hygiene, you find that you only need to launder your bedding twice a year.

5. Flushed Face - You no longer need makeup and several friends have inquired about your drinking.

6. Diuresis - You must carry a glass jar with you at all times.

7. Gastrointestinal Disturbance - Your pets no longer desire to sit near you in the evening.

8. Muscle Twitching - Even though you feel you are sitting still, others constantly assume that you are motioning to them.

9. Rambling Flow of Thought & Speech - Your computer speech recognition program consistently crashes.

10. Tachycardia or Cardiac Arrhythmia - Your normal heartbeat is now visible to others through your clothing.

11. Periods of Inexhaustibility - You regularly complete your annual work goals before February 15th.

12. Psychomotor Agitation - You are never, not cracking your knuckles.

We are currently experiencing a few technical glitches - with photo’s mostly. But the updates will continue without missing a beat. Vicki has been awake for four days - no sleep or food - but is smoothing things out. She is a genius!

NOW - I invite you to use some of the new features - especially the feedback option to let me know what you like. Please be kind and constructive (no one likes cruelty). But I am working hard to create content that will appeal to you.

So "speak the truth in love!"

  

With the new design you can do the following:

- Easily submit comments and feedback I would love to hear what you think. What entries do you like? Not like? I am committed to developing content that will inspire you to come back regularly and tell others about. But I have to know which content strikes you.

- Email an entry to a friend Since I am trying to build an audience of readers, your networking is a great, appreciated favor

- Print out an entry Perhaps a particular entry strikes a chord at your office or with some friends. Print & hang it up!

- Search the page and look through the archives If there was something you remember but cannot locate, I’ll help you find it

- Select items by identified categories I will help by categorizing the entries by type

I realize I cannot be all things to all readers. But for those who enjoy my observations and sense of humor I hope you will help me refine the content so this is a destination for you and others on the web.

Thanks!

Will

Dallas, Texas

WHAT’S AILING US?
It’s the lifestyle, stupid!

Research has repeatedly confirmed what we all suspect: Americans are highly stressed. In fact, we lead the developed world in stress related disorders. Stress is so prevalent that a new study indicates that over 50% of usadmit to being dissatisfied with our jobs (up from 40% the last time we checked!)

The symptoms of stress range widely from sleep problems to anxiety, depression and a variety of other physical problems. Left unchecked it can damage your heart. Stress is a killer.

In effect Americans - who are clearly the most blessed nation on earth - are suffering ever higher levels of routine mood misery. Even when things are otherwise okay in our lives, we seem to be stuck in a low and worried mood. What’s going on?

For a decade my colleague at Purdue, Dr. Glenn Sparks and I have been advocating that the underling driver of our stress is less about our personal psychology and more about the lifestyle we live here in the United States. Every year tens of millions of us relocate away from important relationships and places of familiarity and settle down somewhere else. We move for career opportunity and think little of the emotional cost of leaving our places of origin. When this is combined with our incredible habits of media immersion - particularly television and the Internet - we consign ourselves to a life of singularity, individualism and social detachment. And these are the very ingredients that exacerbate stress related disorders.

We call the relationships we need Refrigerator Rights Relationships and they are critical to living an emotionally balanced and physically vibrant life.

Do you have Refrigerator Rights Relationships?

Dallas, Texas

AN AMERICAN SCOLDThe Lord Spaketh to Me!The Very Reverend Ralph Berry: was in therapy with Dr. Will for one year during which time he experienced a radical, religious conversion. He left his job as a catalytic converter mechanic and home studied to become a minister. He now leads a congregation in Carmel, Indiana.Greeting Degraded Sinners,Let’s begin with a brief prayer:“Oh God, Forgive them, they know exactly what they are doing!”If you are reading this, I assume you are feeling the enormous weight of your personal guilt for the lifestyle you are living. Let me reiterate the truth here: America is already on a speeding bus to the fires of hell where you will pay for your sins. And don’t give me that look as if you do not know what I am talking about.The Lord sees everything - including your very thoughts. That’s right, God knows all about those revolting, disgusting notions that you entertain every day, deluding yourselves that there is no price for thinking those things. Believe me, I know. I thought all of those thing myself until cleansed in 2004.You are all in for a huge shock come judgement day, where you will be set upon a rocket with the rest of your ilk and fired at warp speed into Satan’s devouring maw.Now let’s consider what has the Lord upset today:God spoke to me directly and said he was following the Paris Hilton situation. Here’s what the Lord spaketh to me:

“Ms. Paris Hilton is paying for her wanton way. Jetting around the world partying and indulging her base passions under the glare of the camera lights has put her in a dark place that is just a foreshadowing of the fiery jail awaiting her later. However, do not be fooled. Many others involved in this shameless affair will also answer:

- The Prosecutor: for “casting the first stone,”- The Trial Judge: who forgot to “judge not,”- The Defense Lawyer: for associating with known sinners,- The Hilton Family: for raising sinful children, and for all who have followed this story: shame on all of you!

Now bathe three times in a clean river and send your financial reparations back to me, beseeching forgiveness. If not, you will be smote!”

And then the Lord added a curious observation: “The only shining light in this whole sordid matter are the blessed professionals in the paparazzi who are willing to expose these sinners. You are blessed and doing my work!”WOW! When I awoke from the vision I felt a burning sensation in hand and found a note with the following additional items from on high:”You are probably wondering who else is on their way to eternal damnation. Here’s a brief list of those who irk me and who are on shaky ground with yours truly.”- The people involved in professional wrestling, especially the women!- A certain Mister Hugh Hefner and his cabal of filthy reprobates- The United States Congress - both houses- All involved in disappointing me with the Sopranos ending- The Geico Cavemen- Tito Jackson (reason not given)- And probably YOU! (I assume the Lord meant you).It ended ominously: “What can you do about your condition? Sadly, very little. Have a blessed day.”Think about it!

Portland, Oregon

Do I Mean Anything to Anyone?
Oh, to be Paris or Brad or…

When I travel around the country speaking to groups I always rent a car and cruise around the area. I am struck by the similarities among places much more than the uniqueness. Now of course the physical environment, topography and climate are unique, but the people and the life they live appears interchangeable. Watching a woman on a suburban street in Portland, Oregon roll her emptied trash can up from the curb, boys playing hoops in a driveway, executives in the offices and the disheveled hanging around a convenience store - it’s all familiar. In observing this it strikes me that herein lies some clue to the fascination - even obsession - so many of us have for celebrities. Obviously the wealth is a primal appeal. But we are not as fascinated primarily by the wealthy, but rather by the famous, the acknowledged.

In the end is celebrity fascination anything more than a longing for significance ourselves? Looking at the breadth of types, personalities and shapes, can’t we see something of our self in at least one famous person? I know I can look with some envy at the attention given to some of my fellow comedians and, of course, Dr. Phil. I have been told I bear some resemblance to the well known media physician, Dr. Drew Pinsky who is clearly more famous than me.

But it makes me wonder, what is this drive? What is it that evokes the longing?

Is it the wealth? I can honestly say no, since I make a good living as a speaker and realize that, although I am not rich, I am very blessed.

Is it the fame? I suppose this is indeed a factor for us, but again, why?

Allow me to be an analyst and suggest that in a world where we feel increasingly alienated and powerless - at a time when the individual’s voice seems to be silenced - we long for the recognition to be heard, to be noticed. It seems to me that it is a yearning for recognition that I have value. It is a desire to be someone who is acknowledged, noticed and listened to by others.

Well, what is the remedy? I keep coming back to the idea of social relationships - Refrigerator Rights relationships - that I am heard and valued by the people who surround me and know me. If I am alone, there is no one to speak to but the television screen.

Getting connected in our immediate world will alleviate much of this feeling of powerlessness and the neurotic passion to become famous.

Portland, Oregon

AN ALTERED REALITY
Crumbling World! … and even kicked out of therapy!

The modern HBO television classic The Sopranos (which comes to an end of its seven year run this weekend) is certainly deserving of more than one journal entry. Perhaps even more than the iconic, historically resonant film, The Godfather, The Sopranos has established itself as the current representation of living a criminal life in modern America.

What does it say about us that so many millions are riveted to this disturbing account of suburban psychopaths? The popularity of the show reflects the enduring fascination Americans have with the Mafia.

What is behind this curiosity? Several psychological factors are at play here:

- First: The specific interest in the ethnic, Italian variety of organized crime revolves around the intimate ties it has to the traditional family structure. While the “business” of the men is kept separate from their wives and children, their life is deeply connected to their nuclear and extended kin. They are gangsters but they are more than just a “gang.” They have many aspects of their life that appear normal and healthy. They seem to be just like the rest of us - except that when Dad goes to the “Office” his schedule might well include managing a bookie and loan sharking operation, running a prostitution ring and, oh by the way, murdering a business associate. Aside from a morbid curiosity about this life, it touches a fantasy in us that we can have a normal family life and still operate with impunity against those who get in our way or oppose us.

- Second: The Mafia represents the ultimate Alpha male subculture. The men are usually sociopaths and rarely have internal conflict about the violence they commit. This was such a powerful element in The Sopranos that Tony himself needed psychological treatment for his guilt and angst. There is a strong appeal to the viewer that difficult social and financial problems can be solved without needing help from the authorities. With little hand-wringing or pragmatism action is taken to serve personal and family interests. Even when impulses need to be repressed, it is in the service off a later reward. And as for those outside the family who get in the way? The matter is dispatched without hesitation and - significantly - without personal guilt.

- Third: The depiction of the gangster life on The Sopranos humanizes the life of psychopaths. These men hold onto their freedom and lucidity under the strict rules and boundaries understood by them all. The rigid authoritarian rule and demand for unquestioned obedience under penalty of death is what keeps these otherwise insane individuals in check. The Sopranos reveals how impulse challenged psychopaths can be held in check and manipulated. The show both explains the constitution of the Mafia organization as it simultaneously humanizes these dangerous lunatics and their and co-dependent families.

The Sopranos are a family enterprise that we can fantasize is our own - we belong and we are protected. But the unpredictability of life on the edges of legality involve the kind of anxiety and lethal tension that make such a life unbearable.

So for us, it is best to confine our fascination to watching the program, not living in in reality.